“Centalia concert will be on DL,” says Gunblade.

Controversial rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns announced this morning that their aborted free concert in Centralia, PA will happen in the next few months.

“I can tell you the concert is back on,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “But this time it will totally be in secret… Very much on the DL [down low]. At the last possible moment, we’ll send out an email to trusted fans with the date and time. Last time, local idiots interfered. They won’t get the chance this time. They are shut out!”

The band’s promised August 11 concert was short-circuited by local outrage and the kidnapping and molestation of the band’s manager and a roadie. “They wanted to come here and defame this place,” said one elderly Shamokin, PA resident who did not wish to be identified. “They have no respect for the tragedy that people around here have gone through. They’re pigs and nothing less!”

The band seemed elated about the new concert plans. “Before we had to be respectful of laws and shit,” said bass player Carnage Smith. “This time, it’ll all be in secret and that means no rules, baby. You won’t believe some of the crazy things we have planned for this concert. It’s gonna be illegal or immoral or, as I like it, both!”

And what of the virgins that the band had planned to sacrifice at the previous concert? “Well, we kind of deflowered them all right after the first concert got cancelled,” admitted guitarist Vas Defrens. “But they’re still up for it so it’s a go.”

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Ass Clowns Tour Van Empty. Tour manager and roadie missing.

A tour van that had traveled to Centralia, PA over the weekend to prepare for a free No Talent Ass Clowns concert on August 11 was found empty about 80 miles from the deserted town famous for its underground coal fire. A search has provided no clues to the whereabouts of the occupants of the tour van.

Missing was legendary Ass Clowns roadie “Rando” Miller and the band’s infamous manager, Jerry Gold. A police officer who declined to identify himself said that there was nothing in the van except “a lot of porn, some used condoms, several video cameras, bags of pot and the addresses of young women in the general vicinity of Centralia.”

The disappearance of the two men follows days of tension with area residents who have vowed to stop the concert by any means possible. “I hope they find his ass,” said band front man Lars Gunblade. “If something happens to Jerry, I don’t know how we’re going to function as a band. We depend on Jerry to pay off the cops when we get arrested, which is frequently.”

When asked if Gold’s disappearance would affect the free concert on Saturday in Centralia, Gunblade was blunt. “The concert is happening. Don’t care if they find Jerry in pieces in a dumpster. Concert is happening, man.”

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Best Ass Clowns CD Ever?

With their controversial concert in Centralia, PA fast approaching, The No Talent Ass Clowns have released their newest CD entitled Express Elevator To Hell. According to industry insiders, the band is especially excited by their latest CD and believe this may the CD that finally breaks into the top 10,000 on the charts.

“This is our best album yet,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We spend days recording it and mixing it. It was definitely a labor of love. We knew as soon as we put down the overdubs for the final song, A Little Ass Music, that this would be the album that we wanted to be remembered for.” In fact, for weeks the name of the CD was rumored to be A Little Ass Music.

Getting a lot of attention is the track Burn You To A Crisp, which is rumored to be a big part of their Centralia, PA free concert on August 11. “Yeah, we’re gonna be playin’ that when we sacrifice the virgins,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “That’s assuming the protesters don’t shut us down, of course.”

The band is under a cloud of controversy with the Centralia concert with scores of citizens in nearby towns vowing to keep it from happening. “They can’t stop us,” says Gunblade. “If we want to have a concert on top of an active coal fire, we’re doin’ it. If we want to sacrifice virgins during the finale, we’re doin’ it.”

The band has remained silent on the exact time and location of the concert. “We’ll tweet that at the last minute. No one stops this concert! We are invincible.” said Gunblade with a grin.

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