A shaken Jerry Gold addressed reporters this morning shortly after being found wandering naked on a PA back road with Ass Clowns’ roadie “Rando” Miller. He seemed dazed and struggled to find words.
“There will be no free Centralia concert on August 11,” said the Ass Clowns’ manager in a low, trembling voice. “I am deeply sorry that we have disgraced the unfortunate town of Centralia, PA. Doing a concert in a deserted town above an active coal fire would have been a mistake. Sacrificing virgins during the finale would also have been inappropriate. ”
With that, Gold and Miller took off to a local hospital for some minor medical attention. Gold later texted reporters from the hospital that he and Miller had been abducted by some uneducated, buck-toothed backwoodsmen and forced to perform unnatural acts that he refused to elaborate on. Gold further stated that he and Miller were only let go after agreeing to cancel the concert.
Upon hearing the news, the band was crushed. “This sucks,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We were pumped for this. There were going to be explosions and fire. We were going to leave Centralia in flames. Now it’s all over. The state of Pennsylvania will pay for this. The No Talent Ass Clowns will never play a concert in this state again.”
“And we’ll stick to that,” added guitarist Vas Defrens, “unless there’s a lot of money involved… in which case, we would play PA again in a heartbeat.”