Lars Gunblade suggests band broken up

The No Talent Ass Clowns, a band famous for threatening to break up, may be parting ways for real according to front man Lars Gunblade. In a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s famous tour blimp, An impaired Gunblade struggled to remain upright to address reporters.

“It’s f*cking over,” said a red-eyed Gunblade. “Our stand-ins will perform the rest of our shows this year but otherwise we have no intention of being in the same room, let alone make music.”

At this point, the infamous singer collapsed and convulsed for five minutes. As EMTs were attending to him, he hoarsely made a final statement before passing out. “It was only hate, mistrust and a total lack of respect for each other that kept this band together. Without any of that, what’s the point of continuing this charade?”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “Finally,” exclaimed long-time fan boy Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Yeah, I’ve been a fan since 1995 but I’ve been waiting for this day for like years. What a relief! When they faked their deaths several years ago… I felt great. But this sounds like it’s finally, finally over. Free at last!”

Conversely, Ass Clown groupies appeared depressed. “I don’t know what to do,” said Holly, 19 of Shamokin, PA (one of last year’s “virgin” sacrifices at the legendary Centralia PA concert that never happened). “I wanted to be exploited and objectified at least until my mid-20s. Now what?”

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The Factory-Sealed Fornicators To Reunite In Concert

Factory-Sealed Fornicators, a no-hit wonder band of 1991, bit the dust in 1992. Two members of the band went on to lengthy prison terms for prostitution and racketeering (they were released in 2011). Two, Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens, went on to form The No Talent Ass Clowns. And now, despite no demands for it, the Fornicators are launching a reunion concert to be held at Consumption Auditorium in the fall.

“Yeah, I always said that I hated that band and the music we played,” said Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “But sometimes, you just get bored. I mean really, really bored to the point where dumb shit seems like a good idea. Perhaps the hatred we feel toward each other will act as some sort of catalyst on stage and we’ll do something amazing. Or it will suck, which is a lot more likely.”

The Fornicators reunion concert seems unlikely to generate much interest. Their one and only CD, Limited Edition Bimbo Collection, was universally panned and in concert, they played to mostly empty houses. To keep history from repeating itself, Consumption Auditorium will not be charging for tickets. In fact, they will pay each concertgoer $50 to attend. “I’m playin’ it safe,” says Pedro O’Brien, Consumption Auditorium’s manager. “Even with paying people, I figure we’ll be lucky to fill a 1/3 of the room. Seriously, they’re that bad!”

More on the Factory-Sealed Fornicators

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The No Talent Ass Clowns Platinum Club Announced

In a surprising new development, controversial rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns are demanding that fans pay a yearly fee to be fans.

For $500 a year, members of The No Talent Ass Clowns Platinum Club will be able to purchase the band’s CDs and posters and attend their concerts.

“Without the membership, you won’t have access to us,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It’s a small price to pay but you’re payin’ it. We have expensive rehab clinics to pay for, designer drugs, escort services, you name it… It adds up.  And frankly, the fans have to shoulder more of the burden.”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “I have no problem with it,” said loyal fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ.

“Being part of an exclusive club sounds kind of cool. I wish they’d charge a grand for this privilege,” said Picklefeather as he mailed $500 in crumpled singles to the band.

Other fans aren’t so generous. “I’m not payin’ shit,” remarked T-Bone, an inmate at Attica Prison. ‘Shit. $500? No way. Shit.”

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In a shocking turn of events, a popular commenter at The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site has killed another commenter after the two exchanged hateful remarks earlier this week.

“T-Bone” an ex-convict from New York City, killed 26-year-old Lew Flapp of Scranton, PA with a dull ice pick after the two quarreled earlier in the week while commenting on this website’s “Sarah Palin” blog entry. In a heated exchange, Flapp began making fun of T-Bone’s stint in Attica Prison. “I’ll risk going back [to Attica] just for the pleasure of doing you in, Lew. That’s a promise from me,” wrote T-Bone on Monday.

The band spoke about the killing early this morning in an email to reporters. “Personally, I think it’s kind of cool,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It’s great to see people so worked up about the Ass Clowns that they’re willing to kill each other. Kind of tells you something about the power of our brand of kick-ass rock and roll, doesn’t it?

Disclaimer: Commentators remain free to say whatever they want on this blog. There will be no changes in policy as a result of this horrible and depraved murder.

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Xanadu as seen in “Citizen Kane”

Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns are 40 million dollars poorer after being tricked into buying the fictional Xanadu mansion from the film Citizen Kane.

“We were looking for a huge mansion where we could party 24/7,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We saw that cool mansion in ‘Citizen Kane’ and thought, WTF, let’s buy that. We had no idea Xanadu doesn’t exist. It looked pretty friggin’ real in the movie. I suppose next somebody is going to tell us that Charles Foster Kane didn’t exist either!”

The estate of Charles Foster Kane was offered for sale to the band three months ago by a mysterious stranger named Eddie and the band quickly signed a contract. “We thought it would be great,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “We figured it would be nothing but naked groupies around the pool, in the gardens, in the hallways, you know, pretty much everywhere. Now we’re out 40 million. That’s justice for you. I just wish I had a charity for myself like Lars does. He’s one smart m-fer.”

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Van Dundro: “I might Ass Clown your car tonight!”

In a surprising revelation, No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro admitted that he “ass clowns” cars all the time.

Ass Clowning is the notorious practice that involves breaking into cars at Ass Clowns concerts and defecating on the driver’s seat. Since its invention in the 1990s by the mysterious Nick Ray Tummo, Ass Clowning has become an accepted aspect of Ass Clown concerts worldwide and even has a place in the Urban Dictionary.

Now, Van Dundro says he has contributed to the phenomenon on a regular basis. “I did it for the kicks after one of our shows,” says Van Dundro. “Then, I began to realize that Ass Clowning became a part of who I am. Taking a dump on some guy’s seat and knowing the horror he’s going to face trying to remove it fills me with a deep sense of personal satisfaction. I Ass Clown cars all the time and not just at our concerts. Hell, I might Ass Clown your car tonight!”

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Singer Lars Gunblade’s new cologne hits the shelves today

Celebrity cologne. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a celebrity with one these days. And No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade wasn’t about to miss out on this phenomenon.

“Hey, if Taylor Swift can sell out and hawk her own stupid perfume, why can’t I peddle my damn cologne?” declared the infamous Ass Clowns singer. Entitled Tre Lars, the pricey new cologne offers a sensory experience previously unavailable.

“You know that putrid stank you have when you pass out at 4am on Sunday morning on the front steps of your house?” said Gunblade. “That’s what I was going for. Tre Lars has the delicate fragrance of cigarettes, stale beer and pot with just a suggestion of vomit and B.O. to top it off. If that’s doesn’t make the chicks crazy for you, I don’t know what will.”

Update: Numerous buyers of Tre Lars have been hospitalized since last Friday, including 12 rumored fatalities. Users have been asked to refer to the cologne’s disclaimer on the side of the bottle: “Regular use of Tre Lars has been associated with sudden, violent and uncontrollable bleeding from the eyes and rectum. Use sparingly.”

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Vas Defrens belts out a 120-minute guitar solo during “ass” show

Close on the heels of a show where female audience members were required to be totally naked, a new stage set for The No Talent Ass Clowns is turning heads… and stomachs.

Unveiled at the band’s February 1st show, the curtain opened to reveal an enormous naked ass at the back of the stage made of lifelike foam and latex. After several seconds, the ass was heard to “fart” loudly and a horrible smell was pumped through the arena, sickening many concertgoers and hospitalizing three.

Then, the ass cheeks parted and each member of the band was “shat” out of the latex ass onto the stage. After the final encore, the band proceeded to crawl back into the ass and out of sight of the audience. The ass then proceeded to “fart” again, this time emitting far more noxious fumes that quickly drove the audience from the venue.

“Artistically, it is satisfying,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “The ass stage set is a personal statement that I have always wanted to make. This is what I want to be remembered for. Definitely.”

Defrens, infamous for his ass fetishes, recently closed his five-star restaurant, The Ass House, in New York City. He sees this stage set as the best way to bring an ass motif to his fans. “Every fan I banged backstage loved it. There’s the proof of how great it is!”

“It was disgusting,” said concertgoer Bill O’Cohen, 16, “But even though my eyes were watering and I threw up from the smell, I have to admit that I liked it.

The band has stated that this will be their permanent stage set for the rest of their career. “You can’t top perfection!” remarked Defrens.

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Guitarist Vas Defrens: “Our fans suck”

Bad boy guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently let fans know where they stand… in the toilet.

“Yeah, our fans totally suck,” said Defrens after a recent sell-out concert. Defrens told how he and the rest of the band held lengthy discussions about how inconvenient it was to have fans.

“It would be so much easier if we didn’t have to pacify stupid fans by playing concerts for them and putting out CDs to buy. They’re greedy and they always want more,” says Defrens. “And Lars, Joey and Carnage feel the same.”

“I mean, yeah, there are the chicks and that’s great. But do we have to put up with all the rest? If I had a choice between playing a long, sweaty concert with five encores or staying at home and doing it with several well-endowed groupies, naturally, I’d prefer playing hid the sausage with the groupies. Who wouldn’t?”

The infamous guitarist also had a “shit list” of the band’s least favorite cities. “The cities we hate are thus… One, Brisbane, Australia, that’s definitely the worst by far… two, Indianapolis, Indiana, the fans there were truly, truly pigs. I’m sure there are others but we’re usually so stoned that it’s hard to tell where we are at any given time.”

When asked if he had any plans to quit the group, Defrens was evasive. “A few years ago, I did a solo CD called Worship My Guitar and the so-called fans didn’t buy it. Guess I have to stick with this crap until I finally summon the courage to O.D. on heroin in some five-star hotel room someday.”

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