The Ass House located in Brooklyn's trendy Bay Ridge district

In a shocking turn of events, the FDA has determined that several customers who complained about food at a trendy NYC restaurant went missing and later turned up in the restaurant’s signature stew.

The Ass House, owned by No Talent Ass Clowns’ infamous guitarist Vas Defrens, had no direct comment regarding the government’s allegations when it released the following statement: “Our customers come for our fillet of beef ass, pork ass cutlets and mixed ass salad. They don’t come here to eat parts of customers too stupid to realize we are a great dining experience. Anyone could have thrown those human body parts into the food when no one in the kitchen was looking.”

Federal investigators insist that seven customers who complained about their food, disappeared and were found in the restaurant’s “Ass Stew” several days later. “We were shocked,” said one government official who refused to reveal his name. “And what’s worse, the stew with human body parts in it didn’t tasted any better than the establishment’s regular stew. So, what’s the point?”

The controversial restaurant has been in trouble before. In 2010, numerous complaints were voiced when Vas Defrens‘ restaurant announced the name of its VIP association–The Back Door Club. Despite the constant bad press the restaurant receives each week, the company is discussing plans to open franchise locations in Brisbane, Australia and Bucharest, Romania.

Vas Defrens seemed unfazed by the media attention. “Hey, you gotta be into ass if you come to The Ass House,” says the rock bassist.

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Occupy Consumption Auditorium protesters have big demands

Discouraged by police brutality, Occupy Wall Street protesters now have set their sights on Consumption Auditorium, the sleazy music venue favored by legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns. As of this morning, dozens of tents were seen at the building’s entrance. Their mission–to get The No Talent Ass Clowns to lower their ticket prices from $5,000 per head and offer more shows at the venue many city officials have said will likely to be condemned shortly.

“I’m here until change happens,” said protester Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “It’s been rough. I’ve never seen so many rats and lice in my life. In my tent this morning, several rats bite me and I feel real bad. I think maybe I have the plague or something. Anyway, it’s time for this elitist band to offer tickets that everyone can buy. Shit, I feel really bad. Can you call me an ambulance?”

The band is amused by the protests. “Lower our ticket prices? Bullshit!” exclaimed front man Lars Gunblade.  “Starting tomorrow, the price goes up to $10,000. Hey protesters… you’re welcome!”

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Lars Gunblade

Rocker Lars Gunblade of controversial band The No Talent Ass Clowns has become the 5th person to accuse presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual misconduct. And the first male.

“It happened in the early 1990s when we were just a hungry band before we got our big break with ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘,” said Gunblade at a press conference early this morning aboard the band’s tour blimp. “Cain came backstage… wait, let me re-phrase that… he showed up backstage and offered me free pizza. He kept leering at me, saying he wanted to give me a Cleveland Steamer. At the time, I didn’t know what that was and told him I had already eaten,” said Gunblade with a shudder.

“Then, he said that he wanted to put extra cheese on me and have a giant big slice. I told him to piss off. I was pretty creeped out. If it wasn’t for all the groupies I did it with that night, I would have been messed up in the head from that kind of sexual harassment. After all, I’m usually the one doing the harassing and that’s the way it should be!”

Gunblade said that Cain showed up at Ass Clowns concerts at Consumption Auditorium for several years until he had the Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO banned. “It’s just as well. When he was putting the moves on me, he said that he had never bought any of our Ass Clowns albums. Not one! I have no patience with fake fans like that!”

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Joey Van Dundro

Adding to the frenzy of the Occupy Wall Street protesters was the sudden appearance of No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro this morning. Van Dundro showed up without bodyguards and joined one of the drum circles.

“We were excited to see Joey there,” said protester Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “It was almost like he was one of us except that he was wearing $2,000 shoes.”

At first, there were cheers from the crowd and Van Dundro was soon surrounded by attractive high-school-age girls. Unfortunately for Van Dundro, the love feast didn’t last. After an hour, the controversial Ass Clowns drummer was asked to leave when he kept trying to do extended drum solos. Amid a sea of jeers, Van Dundro left the park shouting obscenities.

“Hey, the hell with them!” shouted Van Dundro as he climbed back into his limousine and sped away. “I was there to drum a little and score some chicks. It didn’t work out. I hope the cops shoot them all!”

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Two days after breaking up, legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns have reunited.

“We thought about it and decided there was too much money to be made,” said front man Lars Gunblade at a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “We don’t get along and we’ve clearly passed our peak but a lot of people are still stupid enough to come see us. We decided, ‘Let’s continue to fleece the sheep.’ Everybody agreed that was the way to go.”

Many fans are cautious about the reunion news. “Yeah, right!” said Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “They’ll probably just break up again next week. I’m tired of this band . First they’re dead in a tragic blimp accident and then they’re not. They’re broken up, then they’re not. I’m tired of them fucking with me!”

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“We’ve done. It’s over. I hate these guys. I hope they all die.”

Those were the words of No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade when he announced that the band is splitting up. “No one in the band realizes how great I am. Now, some of them have their own ideas how our songs should be played rather than doing what I tell them to do. That’s when I realized I had to pull the plug!” said Gunblade aboard the band’s tour blimp.

“I’m glad it’s over,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “Lars is a nightmare. Carnage [Smith] and Joey [Van Dundro] aren’t much better. I can’t count the number of times I tried poisoning their Jack Daniels. Yet, somehow, they’d survive even when I upped the dosage enough to kill an elephant.”

Although the band is over, Gunblade said they will continue to play concert dates indefinitely. “Hey, that’s money. We’re lip-synching anyway so it’s an easy gig.”

Fans worldwide are horrified. “I can’t believe that there will be no more Ass Clowns CDs,” said Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “I have rigged a noose in my hallway and will do myself in if the band doesn’t reconsider.”

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Say Hello To My Posterior: The Ultimate Word?

The No Talent Ass Clowns’s CD, Say Hello to My Posterior, may not have made it into the Billboard Top 100 albums but it is enjoying popularity with a fundamentalist Christian church in Snake Alley, NC. The small church worships each track on the CD as the literal word from heaven.

“Yes, we believe singer Lars Gunblade is bringing us God’s word,” said Deacon Skip Mattingly. “With that in mind, apparently God is obsessed with anonymous sex and perverse sex acts. This kind of threw us at first but we’ve gotten used to it. Now we throw around foul language and sexist comments without even thinking twice about it. I think Lars and the rest of the band would be proud of us.”

The church has even constructed statues of the band members that it has placed on their altar. “Believe me, there’s nothing quite like seeing Lars, Vas, Carnage and Joey on Sunday morning giving us a rock and roll sneer from the altar,” said Deacon Mattingly. “We’re not sure how backdoor sex with groupies gets us any closer to heaven but we’re following the word of the Ass Clowns to the letter. They are showing us the way. At least we hope so.”

What does the band think of this? “I think it’s great,” said Lars Gunblade. “We’ll have to cruise down there and see if any of the chicks in the church are do-able. If so, we’ll show them the way alright!”

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Vampire kangaroo on the attack

“Vampire kangaroos” and dozens of mangled human bodies are being reported in Australia this week. At first, Australian officials were clueless as to how normally docile kangaroos were transforming into vampire killers. Then, they had their answer and the blame points squarely at a famous heavy metal band.

In September, legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns played a gig at nib Stadium in Perth, Australia. Flying east of Perth the next day in their famous tour blimp, the band dumped the entire smelly contents of its bathrooms on Darling Range, a reserve that contains a large number of kangaroos. Within a week, the mutated species was spotted, feasting on a family of dead picnickers in the park.

“This is shocking and we have this Ass Clowns band to thank for it,” said Constable Mickey Finn of Perth. “This band’s shit has turned these wonderful animals into horrible killers.”

“This is all a huge friggin’ lie,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Our crap didn’t do this and even if it did, this is just Australia we’re talking about so come on, chill out.”

The band plans to play its remaining Australian tour dates despite the killings. “Maybe we’ll catch a few on these things and set ’em loose on the crowd,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “That would be cool. You know, all the screaming and stuff!”

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Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns issued a statement this morning demanding that all other rock groups disband. The band appeared quite serious during their press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp.

“We’re not bullshitting here!” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We want all bands to throw in the towel within 30 days and hand all of their groupies over to us. My band says everything that needs to be said about rock and roll. Therefore, these other groups just get in the way. They’re kind of like the turds in the punch bowl. Actually, that’s not a fair comparison because I’m usually the one putting turds in the punch bowl.”

What’s the consequence if other bands don’t heed the Ass Clowns’ warning? “They’ll force us to release another CD of high-powered rock and roll. They will rue the day if they defy us.”

When asked for comment, most bands replied, “Who are The No Talent Ass Clowns?” Other bands, however, don’t seem interested in complying. Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters, with whom Lars Gunblade has had a long-standing grudge said, “Disband? I don’t think so. Releasing another Ass Clowns CD will finish the Ass Clowns off, not us. This is just another example of Lars’ ego getting the better of him. He’s an embarrassment. But I don’t mean that in a bad way.”

Rock star Lars Gunblade was recently admitted to an unnamed depression clinic. Doctors worried that the infamous front man of The No Talent Ass Clowns showed no signs of depression whatsoever.

Lars Gunblade

“It’s strange,” remarked Dr. Joseph Switalski of Johns Hopkins. “Rock star depression is rampant but Lars shows a complete lack of depression! Given his empty lifestyle of drugs, nameless sex with thousands of groupies and excessive alcohol consumption, most men wind up with severe depression symptoms. Lars actually seems to be thriving under these conditions. That concerned the doctors right away. We have been working with Lars to get him to realize his life is empty and devoid of love or caring. So far, that hasn’t worked but we’ll keep trying. We’re also attempting to instill depression by putting him on anti-depression meds, which is the best way to create and prolong depression that we know of.”

Gunblade seems unfazed by the experience. “I love my life. Every dude wants to be me. I want to be me!” said Gunblade as he groped several groupies in a therapy room at the facility. “Still, I suppose I could try to develop a little bit of regret for living like this but it just ain’t happenin’.”

The singer returns to The No Talent Ass Clowns tour today. He had a final thought about the facility that he shared with reporters as he boarded the band’s tour blimp. “In therapy, I’ve met some great messed up chicks. Let me tell you, they may be depressed but they’re great in the sack. It’s been a really good experience. I might come back when the tour’s over.”