Comments Comments Off on New Social Disease Named For Ass Clowns Band

The No Talent Ass ClownsA virulent strain of social disease has been named after legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns. Named “Assclownus-burning-urineus,” the disease is unique to Ass Clown band members and their legions of groupies.

“It’s a persistent disease,” said Dr. Winston O’Boogie. “Some members of the band, I won’t say who, have horribly disfigured genitalia due to Assclownus-burning-urineus. If I got this disease, I think I’d probably blow my brains out rather than suffer through its multiple mutilating effects.”

“This is friggin’ awesome news!” exclaimed front man Lars Gunblade aboard the band’s tour blimp. “It’s good to know all of that burning when we pee and going to the hospital could turn into something incredible like this. We’ve always wanted to give back to the community and fortunately, this disease will be around long after we all wind up overdosing in some cheap hotel when our careers are over.”

“I’ve had Assclownus-burning-urineus a dozen times,” said a groupie named Bambi. “It’s painful and I’m barren, of course. But, you know what? It was worth it. The band has always paid my medical bills. The Ass Clowns are just totally awesome guys!”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

Comments Comments Off on Ass Clowns’ Guitarist Checks Into Hospital For “Exhaustion”
Vas Defrens

Vas Defrens cranks a guitar solo

Legendary bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens checked into an unnamed hospital in LA yesterday, making it the 42nd time he’s done so in the last two years. A nervous hospital spokesman assured press members that Defrens was simply “exhausted” and nothing more needed to be said or written about it.

Here is part of this press conference, which was inexplicably held in a strip club several miles from the hospital at Defrens’ request:

Spokesman: Nothing is wrong with Vas. Nothing at all. He will be re-joining The No Talent Ass Clowns world tour this afternoon. He’s exhausted, OK? Let it go!

Reporter: Come on! I understand Vas Defrens came into the hospital after overdosing on a cocktail of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, codeine, morphine and St. Joseph’s chewable aspirin. You know, the orange-flavored ones.

Spokesman: This is, of course, ridiculous! The sparrow flies because he has wings. Can we deny a rock star the same practice?

Reporter: But is it true?

Spokesman: I stand on my answer.

Reporter: But what about–?

Spokesman: Please excuse me, gentlemen, I’ve paid for a lap dance.

Ass Clowns fans seemed alarmed by the media attention. Outside the hospital, fanatical fan Buford Picklefeather from Perth Amboy, NJ,  shouted “Leave Vas alone!” repeatedly. He was eventually tased a dozen times and taken into the ER when he started having violent seizures.

When asked for comment, No Talent Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold only said, “Get that f*cking microphone out of my f*cking face before I tear off your head and sh*t in your neck!”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

Comments Comments Off on Lars Gunblade Announces Quickie Solo Tour

To the surprise of the rest of the band, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade announced a brief solo tour in March. “Yeah, I needed to get away from the rest of the band,” said Gunblade during a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “They suck and I wanted to play a few dates where I didn’t have to share the money with other losers.”

“This is kind of a shock,” said Ass Clowns’ guitarist Vas Defrens. “We were supposed to be in the studio in March. Now what? Should I record another solo CD? Hell, no, that’s too much work. I guess I could spend the time getting high and nailing groupies but that’s just business as usual. Where’s the thrill?”

Gunblade promises an amazing show. “I’m doing a whole new version of Blow Chunks Ballet. A lot of people don’t know that Blow Chunks pre-dates the Ass Clowns. I was playing that song in the Factory-Sealed Fornicators. On this tour, I have a children’s choir backing me up on the chorus and we’re all going to throw up on the people in the front row at the end of the song. It’s gonna be awesome!”

Billing himself as “L. Gunblade,” the infamous singer hopes to put some distance between himself and the Ass Clowns. “Let’s be honest. The rest of the band isn’t as great as I am. They’re not going to suckle at my teat this time. This tour is ‘me-time’ and I’m takin’ it.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns will resume their world tour in April.

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

Band To Invest In Film Restoration

Posted: 24th January 2012 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments Comments Off on Band To Invest In Film Restoration

The No Talent Ass Clowns say they have finally found out their purpose… sponsoring 20 million dollars to restore cult favorite film, Manos, the Hands of Fate:

Manos: The Hands of Fate (Clip #1) from Manos in HD on Vimeo.

“We feel this film is pretty much the greatest film ever made,” said front man, Lars Gunblade. “We want to do what we can to get it the HD treatment with a brand-new 7.1 sound mix.” The obscure 1960s film is being prepared for HD release.

“It’s worth any amount of money to get a Blu-Ray of this movie into every video outlet in the country,” said Gunblade. “Like I always say, once you’ve seen this movie, you never forget it. From this point forward, 90% of the proceeds of our concerts will go towards restoring this film. ‘Avatar’ is about to take a back seat to the greatest film ever.”

Comments Comments Off on Lars Gunblade Says God Wants Him To Be a Decadent Rock Star
Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade, lead singer of The No Talent Ass Clowns

No Talent Ass Clowns‘ front man Lars Gunblade says God has told him to live a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

“Yes, it’s true. I’m on a mission from God,” says Gunblade. “I have asked his guidance to sell more concert seats than other rock groups. He has agreed that I totally rock and he will do his best to make sure bands like The Foo Fighters never challenge the greatness of The No Talent Ass Clowns. Previously, the old man was spending a lot of time on Bronchos football. I read him the riot act and he admitted football didn’t really matter compared to rock and roll.”

How can the Almighty sanction such behavior? “I have pretty much free rein,” says Gunblade with a sneer. “I can’t bang too many groupies. I can’t do too many drugs. I can’t act like a pig to too many fans. It’s great. Essentially, every nameless chick I nail brings me closer to heaven. You gotta admit, that’s a sweet set-up.”

Football fans have taken exception to Gunblade’s inflammatory statements. “Lars Gunblade is full of shit!” said Dan J. DeSpudswell, a Denver Bronchos football fan. “God has a vested interest in football, not rock music!”

Gunblade’s comments have only confirmed his holy status with a Christian church in North Carolina that worships Gunblade and No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. “Lars is speaking the truth,” said churchgoer Edna Craddock. “I personally don’t go in for all their backdoor sex references but I worship their words nevertheless.”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

Comments Comments Off on Ass Clowns And Their Favorite Music Videos

Recently, The No Talent Ass Clowns told Rock Wasteland Magazine about their favorite music videos. At first, they resisted giving an answer. After a barrage of f-words, they finally revealed their choices.

Their choices would frighten most people. For front man Lars Gunblade, it was this one. “I love this. It’s what all music videos should be!” he shouted as he groped a nearby groupie:

Guitarist Vas Defrens voted the following as his favorite video. “It has the integrity, attitude and sheer hipness missing in music videos today,” he said:

Drummer Joey Van Dundro and bass player Carnage Smith both give this as their favorite:

So there you have it. Surely, everyone can see the influence of these videos on No Talent Ass Clowns’ videos like Blow Chunks Ballet.

Comments Comments Off on Violent Protesters Demand Death of Ass Clowns
No Talent Ass Clowns Protesters

No Talent Ass Clowns Protests in Kings Nose, NJ

Protests have erupted nationwide over the release of the latest No Talent Ass Clowns‘ CD Ass On Demand. The most aggressive protests have been in Kings Nose, NJ, where the infamous band got their start in the early 1990s.

“Ass, ass, ass, that’s all this band is about!” said Rev. Jake J. Weatherspoon of Kings Nose bitterly. “Ass On Demand is appalling music. And ass is not as readily available as this band makes it seem. Believe me, I know. If protesting can lead to the deaths of each band member, I have done my job as a Christian.”

“As a woman, all of this ass talk is offensive,” said protester Gladys P. O’Toole. “Yeah, I’ve put out for a lot of bands that come to town but that doesn’t mean I’m a ho. And just for the record, [lead singer] Lars Gunblade isn’t exactly God’s gift to women in the sack. I have had two of his children and he has never called me. Why won’t he call me?” said O’Toole as she started to cry pitifully.

What does the band make of this? “We love it,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “If the audience looks threatening at one of our concerts, we’ll simply have security kill a few people as an example. They’ll quiet down after the blood starts to flow. Don’t forget that I’ve already killed concertgoers. It’s no big deal. The No Talent Ass Clowns love violence.

COMMENT… UNLESS YOU’RE STUPID

Comments Comments Off on Lars Gunblade CD Released as Special Edition
Lars Gunblade - Songs About Stuff

Front Cover

Lars Gunblade - Songs About Stuff

Back Cover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lars Gunblade’s first solo CD, Songs About Stuff, hit the street Tuesday in a deluxe edition that included half-smoked joints, a used condom, women’s panties and an all-access pass to the No Talent Ass Clowns’ latest tour.

“It’s gives you a feeling of life backstage for me,” said Gunblade. “I think fans will love it. If they don’t, they’re dumb as shit and deserve to die beneath the wheels of our limo.”

Priced at $150, there have been few takers, considering there are no new tracks on the special edition. “That’s a huge f*cking waste of money. Nobody’s going to buy it,” said Chico O’Brien, the owner of CD Wasteland in Kings Nose, NJ. “I’m stuck with ten copies of this. You better believe they’re gettin’ returned!”

Songs About Stuff first hit the music racks in 1995 and was propelled to number 1,567 on the charts with hits like “Sally’s Got A Problem – Down There,” which has been played at several political rallies for presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

New CD Creates Waves

Posted: 7th December 2011 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments Comments Off on New CD Creates Waves

Ass On Demand, the controversial new CD by The No Talent Ass Clowns has divided fans and outraged critics with its ass-related content.

“This CD cheapens the band,” said Buford Picklefeather, a fan from Perth Amboy, NJ in attendance at the Occupy Consumption Auditorium movement. “What about the great statements this band has made in the past with songs like ‘Assume the Position’ and ‘I Finished, Now Get Out.’ Now, all the subtle aspects of the music are gone. It’s a shame really. Now, it’s just about ass.”

Critics have been unmerciful. Rolling Stone and Spin called the CD “unbearable, unlistenable and an insult to the human race.” One critic reportedly shot himself to death after listening to just the first two tracks of the CD. The band, as usual, has dissed the critics in return, going so far as to send the dead critic’s relatives another copy of Ass On Demand just in case there was blood or brain matter on their copy.

“This is our greatest album yet!” screamed front man Lars Gunblade to a crowd of drunken fans during a recent performance at Consumption Auditorium. “We rock, we roll, we do all that shit!”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG–UNLESS YOU’RE AN A-HOLE

Comments Comments Off on New Ass Clowns CD Released Today
Ass on Demand

Ass On Demand

Amid a cloud of secrecy, the newest No Talent Ass Clowns CD releases today. Entitled Ass On Demand, the cover art has stirred controversy.

“This cover is great,” said Chico O’Brien, owner of CD Wasteland in Kings Nose, NJ. “But places like Wal-Mart and Target won’t display it. I mean, come on, it’s a shot of a naked chick’s ass!”

The band finds the controversy amusing. “That photo says a lot about our music,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It’s who we are and we’re not going to compromise. ‘Ass on Demand‘ is all about integrity.”

Already fans are lining up at music stores to get their copies. “I love the cover,” said a fan who didn’t wish to be identified. “It definitely gets me going,” said the rabid fan, which prompted those in line next to him to move away.

No word yet on a release date but a video for Ass On Demand is in the works. “That’s going to be an NC-17 music video, you can bet on it!” said Gunblade.

Track Titles:

  1. All Ass, No Heart
  2. Ass Me Why
  3. Keep Off the Ass
  4. Season of Ass
  5. All That Glitters Is Not Ass
  6. Brave New Ass
  7. In My Mind’s Ass
  8. Tower of Ass
  9. All Heart, No Ass
  10. Ass On Demand

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT. DO NOT CLICK HERE TO COMMENT.