In a shocking turn of events, the FDA has determined that several customers who complained about food at a trendy NYC restaurant went missing and later turned up in the restaurant’s signature stew. The Ass House, owned by No Talent Ass Clowns’ infamous guitarist Vas Defrens, had no direct comment regarding the government’s allegations when […]

Discouraged by police brutality, Occupy Wall Street protesters now have set their sights on Consumption Auditorium, the sleazy music venue favored by legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns. As of this morning, dozens of tents were seen at the building’s entrance. Their mission–to get The No Talent Ass Clowns to lower their ticket prices […]

Rocker Lars Gunblade of controversial band The No Talent Ass Clowns has become the 5th person to accuse presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual misconduct. And the first male. “It happened in the early 1990s when we were just a hungry band before we got our big break with ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘,” said Gunblade at […]

Adding to the frenzy of the Occupy Wall Street protesters was the sudden appearance of No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro this morning. Van Dundro showed up without bodyguards and joined one of the drum circles. “We were excited to see Joey there,” said protester Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “It was […]

Two days after breaking up, legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns have reunited. “We thought about it and decided there was too much money to be made,” said front man Lars Gunblade at a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “We don’t get along and we’ve clearly passed our peak but […]

“We’ve done. It’s over. I hate these guys. I hope they all die.” Those were the words of No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade when he announced that the band is splitting up. “No one in the band realizes how great I am. Now, some of them have their own ideas how our […]

The No Talent Ass Clowns’s CD, Say Hello to My Posterior, may not have made it into the Billboard Top 100 albums but it is enjoying popularity with a fundamentalist Christian church in Snake Alley, NC. The small church worships each track on the CD as the literal word from heaven. “Yes, we believe singer […]

“Vampire kangaroos” and dozens of mangled human bodies are being reported in Australia this week. At first, Australian officials were clueless as to how normally docile kangaroos were transforming into vampire killers. Then, they had their answer and the blame points squarely at a famous heavy metal band. In September, legendary rockers The No Talent […]

Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns issued a statement this morning demanding that all other rock groups disband. The band appeared quite serious during their press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “We’re not bullshitting here!” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We want all bands to throw in the towel within 30 days and […]

Rock star Lars Gunblade was recently admitted to an unnamed depression clinic. Doctors worried that the infamous front man of The No Talent Ass Clowns showed no signs of depression whatsoever. “It’s strange,” remarked Dr. Joseph Switalski of Johns Hopkins. “Rock star depression is rampant but Lars shows a complete lack of depression! Given his […]