Recently, music fans were savagely tased by bad boy band The No Talent Ass Clowns during a concert at the Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina. Lead singer Lars Gunblade apparently enjoys using a taser on fans in the front row at Ass Clowns concerts, something that Gunblade talked about in a video interview. Some Asheville, North Carolina fans were horrified when Gunblade pulled out the taser while the band played their well-known song “Blow Chunks Ballet” and started shocking rowdy fans in the front row.

“Funniest thing I ever saw,” said No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “Fans are dicks anyway and the fans in Asheville are particularly annoying and they know why. This was about the money only because, let’s face it, who would go to The Orange Peel or Asheville if they didn’t have to?”

“The Orange Peel is only on the map because of all the R&B bands that played there once,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Yeah. Who cares? I hate R&B anyway. With the Ass Clowns being there, that means no other band playing in that place matters in any way.”

“We told the fans that we hate them, which is something we usually do,” continued Gunblade. “They got angry so I whipped out Mr. Taser for a little attitude adjustment. I zapped about four or five people and got a couple of them more than once. Yeah, they rolled around on the floor and spazzed out and shit. But, look, this is rock and roll, right? What do you expect? At any rate, the fans got themselves a rock concert at the Orange Peel that wasn’t the worst we’ve ever played and I nailed probably half the women’s cycling team from Warren Wilson College. You could say it worked out… for me anyway.”

The Orange Peel fans weren’t happy about the tasing, however. “Lars tased my boyfriend a couple of times,” said Alicia, age 29. “He was real messed up after that. He sort of stared and had no expression, kind of like John Kerry. While I went backstage to bang the band and their roadies, my boyfriend walked away in a haze. I heard the cops found him a few hours later naked at the intersection of Hilliard and Coxe Avenues, you know, right by that Motor Parts place. I think there’s a definite connection to the whole tasing thing.”

“I witnessed some of those poor children who had been tased when they left the show,” said Bess, a retired woman who lives near the The Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina. “They drooled all over on themselves and speaking what sounded to my ears like Old Norse. It was unfortunate. Of course, I laughed like crazy watching them but, shit, it was kind of sad too.”

Next Rock Concert at the Orange Peel Could Mean Dead Fans

“The front row at the Orange Peel got off easy this time,” said Gunblade. “That was basically a Starfleet Away Team putting their phasers on stun. Next time, those phasers were be on kill. Trust me, all it really takes is a little after-market modification and that’s it. Some people talk about dying for rock and roll. Let’s put that to the test, baby.”