Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns admitted in a press conference today that he killed lead guitarist Vas Defrens in a fit of rage on January 6th. The news came as no surprise to fans. Many had been questioning why Defrens was a no-show at numerous sex parties in Los Angeles throughout the spring.

“Vas and I used to double team a bunch of Orange County cougars,” said a man who would only identify himself as Todd Roland Warrington of Torrance, California. “I noticed he hasn’t been around since last year. I can’t tell you how much I miss those three-ways we’d have. Sex one-on-one just isn’t for me.”

Gunblade’s Motive for the Killing

Guitarist Vas Defrens

Gunblade’s reason was killing Defrens seems to have resolved around the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol. “We argued about whether the guy stealing Nancy’s Pelosi’s podium was going to sell it on eBay,” said Gunblade. “Before you know it, we were arguing and then I had no choice. I had to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick several times. Then, I naturally plunged a Bowie knife into his neither regions for few dozen times. It was only after I calmed down that I had the presence of mind to chop his head off and toss it in a landfill.

Gunblade admits that killing Defrens could have a negative effect on the band’s ability to tour. “In retrospect, I should have probably just maimed or castrated him. Then, he would still be able to tour and I’d be able to make fun of him in front of audiences. That was a missed opportunity.”

Fans have been holding vigils at Rectal Hall, Defrens’ estate in Montana. Many collapsed in tears. Others urinated on the Rectal Hall sign at the entrance. “Lars should get a medal or go to jail for killing Vas, I’m not sure which,” said one fan.

Will Lars Gunblade continue as a solo act. Only the future will tell.

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The No Talent Ass Clowns website admitted in a press conference today that it hadn’t updated its site since 2018. “To be honest, I don’t think anyone noticed,” said the webmaster, a man who goes by the name “Lucky.”

Rabid fans of the No Talent Ass Clowns have been deprived of new blog posts since the fall of 2018 when singer Lars Gunblade became uncooperative and demanded an end to new posts.

“I don’t care about this website,” says Gunblade. “Find something else to do with your time.”

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Lars Gunblade of the No Talent Ass Clowns and avant-garde German recording artist Klaus Hitler have agreed to record an album together this year. The untitled project is currently in the recording phase.

Gunblade released a statement from his band’s tour blimp saying that he’s excited about the collaboration. “He’s one weird-ass motherf*cker. I have to respect that,” said Gunblade.

When asked for comment at his home in Dusseldorf, Klaus Hitler responded by saying, “I am impressed by the unrelenting stupidity of Lars Gunblade’s lyrics and music and I wanted to be associated with that. In Germany, it’s very hard to get hold of No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. I first heard them at a poetry reading in Hamburg and I wet myself immediately. I just didn’t know such music was possible.”

Klaus Hitler & Lars Gunblade: Evil Bookends

Although virtually unknown in mainstream American music circles, Klaus Hitler’s song “Farts in the Fatherland,” received heavy airplay on many underground and college radio stations. The song gained notice when it was included in the Penthouse article, “50 Songs to Listen to While Choking the Chicken.”

The avant-garde musician says “Farts in the Fatherland” has been something of a problem for him. “I have tried very hard to remain obscure,” says Hitler. “I try to alienate listeners but this song has captured the heart of some people and that unfortunately has put me on the map. That’s not something I ever wanted. In truth, an album with Lars could sink my reputation completely. That’s what I’m hoping for.”

No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens says the two controversial musicians are very similar. “I listen to ‘Farts in the Fatherland’ all the time,” says Defrens. “Whenever I get back home to Rectal Hall, this song is the first thing I always play on my system. Thematically, I think Klaus Hitler and Lars Gunblade are definitely linked. It’s pretty easy to draw a line from Klaus’ ‘Farts in the Fatherland’ to Lar’s ‘Pinch the Loaf‘. It’s true.”

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Rock star Lars Gunblade has turned filmmaker with the first of his “10-Second Stories” on YouTube:

Gunblade recently told reporters that he’s a bit bored with making music so he started toying around with film-making. “It’s a pretty easy thing making films really,” said the controversial rock star. “And truthfully, I don’t have the attention span to watch a two-hour movie. That’s why 10-Second Stories was born. If you’re drunk or wasted, it’s easy to concentrate on 10-Second Stories, am I right? Of course I am.”

With the rest of the band on hiatus, Gunblade holed himself up in a video editing suite in Kings Nose, NJ for nearly an hour recently trying to craft the first of his 10-Second Stories. “I went through about three dozen drafts of the story,” said Gunblade. “I am always cognitively impaired, due to various chemicals and such. That makes a project like this a bit more difficult to finish.”

The rock star readily admitted that film-making was a pleasant diversion from the music scene, which had seen himself and band-mate Vas Defrens plotting to kill each other in police surveillance tapes. “Yeah, that sucked. Vas said he’d like to kill me so I figured it was time to lay low and try my hand at something else until he loses interest.”

10-Second Stories Could Become a Big Thing, says Gunblade

Gunblade enjoyed the film-making process so much that he’s now producing a number of 10-second stories. “Each one will be a profound statement. Better than any other films ever made. I know that sounds egotistical but it really isn’t. If it’s better than every other film, oh well. I’m not going to intentionally make bad films just so other film-makers don’t feel threatened. I don’t play that game.”

The first 10-Second Stories project hasn’t gotten many views, which doesn’t have Gunblade worried. “I don’t care how many people see these videos. The right people will see them. That’s what f*cking matters, man!”

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As a leaked police undercover video shows, singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens want each other dead. Band members plotting to kill each other is pretty much uncharted territory in rock and roll… until now.

Since they are in the same band, that’s pretty awkward. But it’s not unusual for The No Talent Ass Clowns.

In video leaked from the Kings Nose Police Department, singer Lars Gunblade is trying to get an undercover policeman to kill Vas Defrens slowly and painfully. Police chief Mike Hunt said he leaked the video because he felt the world needed to see the band for what it was. “The Ass Clowns run this town,” says Hunt. “Their manager pays off my department regularly so they’re pretty much untouchable. I think they deserve a downfall. And I’m not saying that just because Lars refused to give my daughter his autograph. But come on… band members plotting to kill each other? Who does that?”

Lars Gunblade has been in seclusion aboard the band’s tour blimp since news of the undercover video broke but we were able to reach him this morning for an exclusive interview. “We’re basically pretty dysfunctional as human beings,” says Gunblade. “I’m messed up. I admit that. But wanting Vas [Defrens] dead is far from a crazy idea. It’s sound logic really.”

Vas Defrens was also caught on tape trying to get Lars murdered. “Yeah, I want him dead,” says Defrens. “I talked to Lars about it and he totally gets it. The whole time I was talking to him, I kept thinking that I should bust a cap in his ass but I chickened out. Maybe I’ll waste him during a concert. How awesome would that be?”

Ass Clowns fans don’t seem too worked up about the videos. “Those guys killing each other would be funny as hell,” says T-Bone, an Ass Clowns fan currently serving a life sentence for killing Lew Flapp, a fellow Ass Clowns fan who commented at this website. “They’ve done as much as they can as a band. This would be the next logical step.”

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Drunk musician kicks janitor… you gotta admit that it’s the kind of drama No Talent Ass Clowns fans expect…

When No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens kicked studio janitor Chico O’Brian, he probably never realized what he would set in motion. During a recent interview, Defrens was drunk even more than usual and blurted out the story. Just before he threw up and passed out, Defrens described how he assaulted a studio janitor who came into the studio unexpectedly with his “wet mop crap.”

Singer Lars Gunblade was  in the control room and has vivid memories of what happened next. “Yeah, it was hilarious,” says Gunblade. “The janitor moves the damned web mop around and Vas gets totally pissed. Then, out of nowhere, he kicks the janitor. The mop flies up in the air and the old guy just drops like a lump of shit. He starts moaning but we just ignored him for like an hour. That’s about the time we realized that, hey, this guy can’t move his arms or legs.”

Janitor Chico O’Brian was permanently injured that day and has never left his wheelchair. Since that time, he has tried to sue Defrens unsuccessfully. When that failed, he began showing up at Ass Clowns concerts and recording sessions demanding payment for his injuries.

“Drunk Musician Kicks Janitor” Story Doesn’t Bother Defrens

Guitarist Vas Defrens

“I don’t think those injuries are real,” says Defrens. “I pulled him out of his wheelchair once and he did a pretty convincing fall, but that just proves he’s a good actor. Every time someone hears the sentence, ‘drunk musician kicks janitor’ they always assume it’s me. Apparently, I’m the only rock star who has ever kicked a studio janitor. Who knew?”

Angry about the musician’s attitude, Chico O’Brian still wants his money. “I’ll get him one of these days,” says O’Brian. “I was just doing my job and he attacked me like a total dick. This guy isn’t well in the head, you know what I mean? If you saw some of the things I saw in that studio, you’d be physically ill. They’re sick people.”

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