With rumors swirling in the Hollywood trade papers about a No Talent Ass Clowns movie, front man Lars Gunblade confirmed the band would appear in a movie to be released this Christmas. Entitled The First to Die, the cop thriller stars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens and the rest of the band in smaller roles.
Written and directed by The No Talent Ass Clowns manager, Jerry Gold, The First to Die tells the story of two misunderstood maverick cops who have to dispose of a jay-walking victim they’ve killed because they were bored and under the influence.
“The audience will really root for these two cops,” says Gold. “They’re total underdogs. They’re not at all likeable and that’s what makes them likeable. See what a great screenwriter I am? And I have to say that Lars and Vas are more or less adequate in their roles after some very careful editing.”
“Yeah, I’m the star,” said Gunblade during a press conference. “I’m pretty friggin’ awesome in this thing. Let me tell you, I wanted to go to bed with me after seeing some of my scenes in the dailies. I was made for the big screen. Seriously, check me out!”
The First to Die was in danger of receiving a NC-17 due to Gunblade’s and Defren’s insistence that their sex scene with costar Trixie Beaumont not be simulated. Beamount, an adult video star, had no problem filming the scenes with the two rock superstars.
“It was easy,” said Beaumont from the set of her newest adult film, Ass Me Why. “It wasn’t anything that hasn’t happened a thousand times backstage after a No Talent Ass Clowns show. At least this time it was just the two of them.”
Eventually, the explicit footage was removed when Gold convinced his stars that the scene slowed the movie down too much. “Christ, it was ridiculous! The scene with Lars and Vas doin’ Trixie lasted more than 20 goddamned minutes. I gave them the footage and they seemed happy knowing they could watch it at home all they wanted. Problem solved.”
The First to Die is expected to break box offices records if it gets released, according to Jerry Gold. “This is a great, great movie and the public better come out to see it. If they don’t, they’re retarded. With all due respect to retarded people.”
