Rock The Vote 2016 may look a little different this year…

Everyone is talking about the 2016 Presidential Election. Who is going to win? Trump? Clinton? Megaband The No Talent Ass Clowns has other ideas. Their contribution to Rock The Vote 2016 is totally out of left field: give the U.S. back to England. It may be just the thing to compensate for England pulling out of the EU.

Rock The Vote 2016: Vote Down Independence

“Hey, man, look at the choices,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Donald Trump is a small-fingered vulgarian millionaire pretending to be a billionaire. Dude’s got a string of bankruptcies, zero experience in government and he hates anyone who ain’t Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton has all the warmth and humanity of a marble slab that’s been kept in a freezer. Why vote for Trump? Why vote for Clinton? I say don’t. It’s time to give the United States back to England. Yeah, that’s right, England! Let’s be British colonies again like before the American Revolution.”

“Come to think of it,” said guitarist Vas Defrens, “the American Revolution was a mistake. We actually had it pretty good as colonies of England back in the day. I’m thinking that we could really dig having everything done for us again. No president, no congress, no elections… it would be beautiful. Plus, our national debt would be their problem. Plus, we give them a shit ton of natural resources. Then they can tell the EU to shove it. What’s not to like?”

“I Ain’t Bowing to the Queen”

“I’ll tell you what though,” exclaimed Gunblade. “I ain’t bowing to the Queen. It ain’t happenin’. Although come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind being knight or lord or whatever. Lord Lars Gunblade… yeah, I like that. And chicks would totally dig it.”

“We’re thinking Kate Middleton will be Queen one day and we’re way into that. I mean, damn, she’s pretty hot,” says Defrens. “She could summon us to her court for some official function and then we’d party afterwards. Lars and I are betting she’s like insatiable behind closed doors. We’re talkin’ a real QUILF here. But we don’t mean that disrespectfully.”

As part of Rock The Vote 2016, Gunblade and Defrens are actively promoting the idea of giving America back to Great Britain at their performances. Unfortunately, since they won’t let anyone attend their concerts, this has had only limited effectiveness.

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Creative differences in the band was the subtext of the latest No Talent Ass Clowns interview. Yet for most of the interview, The No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens talked about how they met as six year olds in Kings Nose, NJ. It’s interesting stuff, although they gave a slightly different account of how they met in a previous interview.

“If you get Lars and Vas talking about Kings Nose, they’ll never f*cking stop,” said Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold when we caught up with him at The Velvet Trench, a famous Kings Nose strip club. “They are obsessed with this town. Let’s face it, it’s not a nice place to bring your kids up. In fact, it’s not a place to park your car if you want it to still be there when you return. We’re basically talking shit hole here. But it does have more strip clubs than any city on the East Coast so that pretty much makes up for everything else.”

“This interview was the tipping point for me and Lars,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “There were creative differences in the band obviously. The more we thought about Joey and Carnage, the more we realized that we didn’t really need them. So, in the parlance of our times, they were let go. And it’s good because sometimes you just gotta fire someone, you know what I mean? I think you do!”

How Joey’s and Carnage’s departure effects the band is unknown. “Well, we’re not repainting the tour blimp,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “And we’re not redoing the t-shirts and shit. If the fans don’t like it, too bad. From now on, we’re using replaceable session musicians to record and tour. That way, Vas and I can keep the spotlight on us, which is all we really care about. With those two knuckleheads gone, there won’t be any more creative differences in the band. That I can assure you.”

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One of the only known demos of The No Talent Ass Clowns in the recording studio has surfaced recently on YouTube. Stolen last month from No, Not There! Studios in Kings Nose, NJ, the rare demo is of a new song entitled “See You.” Apparently, it’s a work in progress for their new CD tentatively titled “The Crying Nosferatu Brothers.”

“This song is pretty special to me,” said front man Lars Gunblade during an interview at a local Kings Nose strip club. “It’s about this chick I knew. I was never really sure of her name. Maybe it’s Erica or Tabitha or Beatrice but I don’t remember. At any rate, I wanted to write a song about her. It’s been a deeply personal experience and, yeah, I kind of tear up when I work on it. It’s pretty powerful really.”

“I don’t see the big deal with this chick,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I had sex with her too and I don’t remember anything terribly special about her except for the fact that she stole like 50 bucks from me. To be honest, that still pisses me off in a major way.”

To find how who this girl was, we contacted head Ass Clowns groupie Tawny Z but she couldn’t give us much of an answer, although she did give everyone at our website a happy ending. “I don’t know who she was,” said Tawny. “I mean I went down on her as well but she just didn’t make much of an impression on me at the time. She had nice shoes. I do remember that.”

Why is Rare Demo So Rare?

It turns out Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold keeps the studio carefully guarded so that no mixes get out before a CD is released. “Yeah, some groupie must have blown one of the studio guys. See, this is what happens. Thank God, it’s only a rehearsal and not a final mix of a track.”

The new CD is expected to be released soon. However, as the band has stated, there will be only one copy for sale. The asking price: a cool two million dollars.

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In a shocking interview, it appears legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns confront a shocking rumor: which is that the band had sex with their own manager, Jerry Gold, to get him to manage them. Singer Lars Gunblade viciously denied the rumor while guitarist Vas Defrens seemed to sheepishly admit guilt.

Band Had Sex With Their Own Manager? “Bullshit!” says Gunblade

“This is total bullshit,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Whoever is floating this rumor is about to wind up dead. I’m serious. We live for rock and roll, man. That means anonymous encounters with hot chicks that we use and toss away like Kleenex. Now someone is trying to make us look bad. Not fair!”

When asked about the controversy, Jerry Gold told reporters, “Look, I’m not going to trash my band. After all, these are my boys. And when I say ‘my boys,’ I don’t mean that to sound gay or anything. Because it’s not. Not even a little. I mean, yeah, Lars and Vas can look pretty good when they’re up there sweating on stage, and if they’re wearing those really tight trousers of theirs. That just makes me human, not gay.”

Another surprising revelation in this latest interview is that the band’s groupies are simply paid prostitutes. “It’s true,” said Jerry Gold. “I pay four girls to follow them around the country and met them backstage in different cities. They’re just too stoned to realize it’s the same four girls over and over again. So they think they’re banging hundreds and hundreds of groupies. Yeah, it’s borderline pathetic. But if that keeps them happy, what’s the problem?

Lars and Vas Are “Stupid,” says Manager

“They can deny it all they want,” says Gold. “But Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens are all about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I’m not about to have them realize that no groupies are ever waiting for them backstage, especially now that they don’t allow anyone to actually attend their concerts. I mean, if no one can attend, how can any girls make it backstage? You see, Lars and Vas are just too stupid to figure that out, and that’s a perfect example of why they’re my boys. But please don’t misunderstand. I don’t want anyone to think that that sounds gay… because it’s not.”

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Guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently killed a concertgoer in Boston with the bayonet that he has custom-fitted onto his Les Paul guitar. After Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold met with Boston police, all charges were dropped immediately.

“Every guitarist should have a bayonet on his guitar,” said Defrens. “It’s just the safest thing to do. At concerts, there are always drunk dickheads that want to rush the stage. That’s what happened in Boston. This dick nuts came at me and he got a taste of my cold steel. You should have seen the look at his face when the bayonet went into his chest. Classic.”

“I looked over and this dude from the audience was suddenly spitting blood,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Vas pulled the bayonet out of his chest and the guy fell back into the audience. That was the ultimate stage dive, man!”

Bayonet On Guitar May See More Use

“I’ll use it again on somebody, I’m sure,” said Defrens. “Maybe it will be on another drunk a-hole. Maybe it will be on some guy who mouths all the lyrics of a song we haven’t released yet and are singing in public for the first time. If he knows the song, that means he got hold of a bootleg copy of the song off the master tape. If that’s the case, he deserves to die.”

Defrens owns a company that retrofits bayonets on guitars, which may be why he’s so anxious to promote the idea. U2 guitar The Edge has decried the idea of a bayonet on a guitar. “This is pretty sick,” said The Edge recently. “I think something is most definitely wrong with Vas Defrens. U2’s record speaks for itself. We have never killed anyone. We’ve bored some people, yeah, but that’s all.”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns performed their new song “I Finished, Now Get Out!” on The Doug Fredericks Show recently. It was an amazing performance, given that the band seldom allows fans into their concert arenas anymore.

“This song is really a tender love ballad,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “I’ve heard that a lot of people will be playing ‘I Finished, Now Get Out!’ at high school proms this spring. I can see that! I really can. If I was a chick, I’d wanna do it after hearing this song. I mean, guys, I’m helping you out here. This song is better than a bottle of whiskey, although obviously that helps as well. So, you’re welcome.”

Unfortunately, some horrible people have posted this video under titles like “Worst Rock Band Ever” as shown above, which only serves to infuriate the band. “Hey, we’re awesome,” says Gunblade. “I’m sorry if some people can’t see that.”

Doug Fredericks Show Isn’t Popular With The Band

“Normally, we wouldn’t do bullshit daytime shows like the f*cking Doug Fredericks Show,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “However, Doug Fredericks has some incriminating photos of our manager Jerry Gold so we got roped into playing. Fortunately, Doug’s assistant was some foxy Swedish chick who was seriously into leather so it all worked out pretty well. We did it on the desk in Doug’s office right after the broadcast. Turns out his office has no curtains or blinds so the people in the building across the street got the best live sex show on the planet, if I may say so.”

Host Doug Fredericks of The Doug Fredericks Show is no fan of the group but wanted them on his show anyway. “The Ass Clowns really pull in the ultra perverts. And I need to reach that demographic,” said the aging host after the show. “The band left my green room in shambles. I can’t believe what pigs these guys are. And that song of theirs was disgusting. The only good thing to come out of it was that my assistant, Gretchen, finally let me make sweet love to her later in the evening after the broadcast. I guess that song may have played a part, I don’t know.”

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The new music video for “Words of Wisdom” is angering fans of the legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns. Straying completely from their hard rock roots, “Words of Wisdom” is pure electro-pop, which is something many fans don’t want from the infamous band.

Strangely enough, the song is only available on the New Zealand pressing of “Pinch the Loaf” and many fans had never heard the song until seeing the video. “What the f**k is this shit?” asks Ass Clowns fan Danny Zooco of Bay Ridge, NY. “I expect Lars Gunblade to rock my f**king socks off. And what do I get? Depeche Mode lite? That’s bullshit. I won’t have it. I’m just glad that this isn’t on my version of ‘Pinch the Loaf’ because I would have thrown up if I had heard it on my stereo system. I’ll tell you what… I got some ‘Words of Wisdom’ for the Ass Clowns. Stick to rock and roll, bitch!”

The Band Reacts to “Words of Wisdom” Controversy

“Well, the fans don’t get it because they’re all stupid,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “No one is going to tell us what we can and cannot play. If I want to play… I don’t know… Eskimo piano music, I will! Although I’m not sure exactly what that would sound like.”

The rest of the band is pretty candid in its comments about “Words of Wisdom” and the music video. “It’s all about Lars,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “That’s pretty typical but it’s a little ridiculous here. I mean, shit, the band didn’t even play on the track. We basically had nothing to do with it. The only reason we weren’t pissed is because some truly amazing groupies came to the studio that day and we nailed them on the studio floor while Lars worked on the tracks in the mixing room. He must have really been into the mixing because he didn’t even come out to partake of the groupies, which is pretty unusual for him.”

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Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns have decided that they will only release one copy of future CDs. While fans are furious, the band couldn’t be happier.

“This is the logical way to do things in the music industry at this time,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Not fair to the fans? F**k them. As long as some asshole will fork out two million dollars, we’re good. The bills are paid and we got some serious money. It’s the very definition of good.”

Fans have voiced their disapproval outside of the theaters where they aren’t allowed to attend the band’s concerts. “First, we can’t see them in concert,” said Niles, a film student from Nebraska. “Now we can’t even buy their music? Why do the Ass Clowns hate us so much? I’m seriously tempted to stop being a fan after this.”

“Do we hate the fans?” asked guitarist Vas Defrens. “Yes, of course we do. That’s not news, man. And I certainly hope that this makes that even more clear. You can’t own our music anymore. Why? Because we don’t like you. We never have liked you. We never will like you. I hope I’m being clear here.”

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“Ass On Demand” by The No Talent Ass Clowns has a simple message that isn’t sitting well with some female fans. Like the “On Demand” button on your remote, the band finds that they have an “Ass On Demand” button on tour. And it gets pressed a lot.

“Hey, why do you think people want to be rock stars anyway? The money? The fame? No. It’s about the chicks, man,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You could probably get rich selling real estate somewhere, but what good does that do you on a Saturday night? Bupkis.”

“Well, let me tell you, ‘Ass On Demand’ is sort of like the holy grail for the band,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “When we play it live, the audience is really moved. When I look out and see hot young mothers singing the chorus, it touchin’. I have to admit I kind of teared up a little.”

“Let’s be honest here. Who wouldn’t want ‘Ass On Demand’?” asked Gunblade. “I know you’re not supposed to admit that around chicks but come on. At least the band is being honest here. Give us credit for that.”

Ass On Demand: Not So Easy For Some Fans

Most Ass Clowns fans have embraced the song. “I think it’s great,” said a man who asked to be called Mr. K (although his real name is Kyle Longbaugh and he lives at 3927 Elmroyster Circle in Elmira, NY). “My wife wants to divorce me because I’ve tried to take this song’s message to heart. Turns out I haven’t had as much success as the band regarding this boy, this girl, this sex thing.”

Originally released four years ago, “Ass On Demand” showed up again on their latest CD “Pinch the Loaf.” When asked why they re-recorded the song, Gunblade grew indignant. “What kind of question is that? Artists may paint several versions of a painting. Don’t ask me any more stupid questions.”

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Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have taken concerts to a whole new level: the band plays to completely empty theaters. And the weird thing is that it’s 100% intentional.

“We had been building up to this for damn near 20 years,” said singer Lars Gunblade. “I mean, shit, these fans were just totally annoying. If it wasn’t for all the groupies, we’d have given up this gig a long time ago. Now, we buy up all the seats at each show and play our 15-minute set. Playing empty theaters is great.”

“The audience was always the biggest obstacle to playing live,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “It’s perfect now. I feel like we have finally achieved what we have wanted to achieve for a long time.”

“Personally, I think they’re assholes for doing this,” said No Talent Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “Seriously, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this isn’t financially sustainable for very long. I just bought another yacht. The Velvet Trench is a beautiful boat and the ladies like it too. But the bank is going to come after it if we keep doing concerts at empty theaters. This whole thing is really making me nervous.”

“We do what we do,” said Gunblade. “No other band would have the balls to do this. We do and we did.”

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