The No Talent Ass Clowns Blimp flies over Kings Nose, NJ

Other bands have tour buses but now legendary rock band, The No Talent Ass Clowns, have recently launched the world’s first tour blimp. With it, they plan to finish out their “Say Hello To My Posterior” tour dates for this year.

“Yeah, Led Zeppelin had their stupid jet plane,” said Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade. “Well, this is way cooler than that. What did Zepp have on board? An organ? Big deal! We got hot tubs, stripper poles and an on-board delivery room for pregnant groupies. Hammer of the Gods, my ass. We rule now, baby!”

In a radical move, the band insisted that the blimp use highly flammable hydrogen rather than helium to lift their lighter-than-air dirigible. “Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? One spark and we go up like the Hindenburg!” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “That’s why it’s so rock ‘n roll, know what I mean?”

Other rock performers are not impressed. When reached for comment, Foo Fighters front man, Dave Grohl said, “Seriously, who cares?” Grohl, who has traded insults with Gunblade for years, added that The No Talent Ass Clowns are a has-been band led by a has-been singer. “But I don’t want to sound negative,” he concluded.

After years of delays, No, Not There! Records announced yesterday that The No Talent Ass Clowns will finally be available on Guitar Hero. The much-anticipated release of their biggest hit, “Blow Chunks Ballet,” has Guitar Hero fans anxious to try imitating Vas Defrens’ tricky guitar solo.

“You can play the song all you want but that doesn’t make you an Ass Clown,” warned No Talent Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade. “After you play the song, do you have two front rows of hot chicks ready to do you in the dressing room? My guess is no.”

Guitar Hero depicts them in their favorite venue, Consumption Auditorium, looking like they did after the release of their first album, “Behind the Times.” To keep the flavor of an Ass Clowns concert, Guitar Hero has incorporated bad notes, bad harmonies and the occasional screech of feedback. “It’s like you’re really there,” says lead guitarist Vas Defrens. “Whether that’s a good thing is for you to decide.”

Lars Gunblade of the No Talent Ass Clowns

The music video for Ass of Mass Destruction has been banned by every broadcast outlet in the US. Consequently sales for the Pucker Factor CD have dropped out of the top 50,000.

“We’re excited, sure,” says Ass Clowns drummer, Joey Van Dundro. “But nobody has seen the f**king thing. Yeah, Pucker Factor as an album sucks but we have to eat.”

In fact, Ass of Mass Destruction has met with harsh criticism from conservative Christian leaders everywhere. Labeling it “sick, perverted, and not lit very well,” Rev. Jerry Falwell was appalled by what the band represents but stated shortly before his death that he was amused by the ass glasses that Lars wears in the video.

Vulgar Smith

Vulgar Smith, the ex-drummer for The No Talent Ass Clowns has been found dead in a Key West hotel room. The cause of death has not been disclosed.

Already fingers are beginning to point to The No Talent Ass Clowns’ singer, Lars Gunblade. “Vulgar had just written a blog that has a vicious review of Lars Gunblade’s new photo collection and now he’s dead. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?” said Key West Sheriff Mike Hunt.

Reached for a comment, Gunblade said, “Frankly, Vulgar is a d*ck. This ain’t exactly a loss to the planet Earth, know what I mean?” The two have been unfriendly since Vulgar Smith left the band under mysterious circumstances shortly before they signed a contact with No, Not There! Records to record their first album.

The violence of the murder appears gruesome with EMTs and police officers fleeing Smith’s room after entering it only seconds before. “The murder scene is makin’ my guys barf all over the place,” said Sheriff Hunt. “The victim’s rectum has been pried open with a…. I’m sorry, I think I’m gonna be sick,” exclaimed Hunt and rushed into the hallway where violent retching sounds could be heard.

In the meantime, a memorial service has been planned at Consumption Auditorium on Monday. “How are we gonna memorialize Vulgar?” asked Gunblade. “Maybe we’ll light a joint in his honor just before we go on stage the next time. Or maybe I’ll just light one of my farts in his honor instead.”

Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) & Lars Gunblade (No Talent Ass Clowns)

Rock fans have known for years that Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters and Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns are sworn enemies. In interviews, both have sometimes confirmed the rumors and denied them. Sometimes, the two have even denied knowing each other.

This photo, taken during their furtive attempt to record material together in the mid-90s is proof of their failed collaboration. Taken by a groupie who prefers to remain anonymous, Grohl and Gunblade appear to be working well together. However, the unnamed groupie says the two broke into a fistfight just moments later. Reason? They couldn’t agree on who mistrusted the music industry more.

Oddly enough, this photo often shows up on various websites with other singer’s faces Photoshopped in, most notably Lemmy from Motorhead. We are glad to finally present the photo the way it was originally taken!

Lars Gunblade in custody

Lars Gunblade, the controversial lead singer of the No Talent Ass Clowns, was arrested outside Consumption Auditorium after a scuffle with an angry fan.

“This is bullshit. I deserve a medal for beating up stupid fans!” shouted Gunblade just before police officers tased him a total of 17 times. Police say Gunblade provoked a fight with a fan that wanted an autograph in purple ink rather than black. Gunblade allegedly kicked the man in the testicles repeatedly until nearby police officers stepped in.

Released several hours later, Gunblade was still angry about the encounter. “Where is that guy? I didn’t finish kicking his ‘nads!” sneered the singer at an impromptu press conference at a strip club next to the police station.

Gunblade and the No Talent Ass Clowns are in the middle of their infamous “Say Hello to My Posterior” tour and band members voiced concerns about the arrest. “This is typical Lars,” said Lead Guitarist Vas Defrens. “He just can’t get enough attention.”

Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters found the incident amusing.  Grohl, who has feuded with Gunblade for years mentioned the arrest after a recent show. “Anything that keeps Lars Gunblade away from a microphone is a good thing! A very good thing!”

Vas Defrens' Controversial Ass House

New York City officials aren’t happy about what the new Ass House Restaurant calls its V.I.P. club—The Back Door Club.

“The Ass House was one thing,” said Jim Tomes of the Mayor’s office. “But the Back Door Club is an insult to everyone in New York City who doesn’t partake of unnatural acts.”

The Ass House opened several weeks ago to a great deal of fanfare, no doubt because the eating establishment was financed by Vas Defrens, lead guitarist of The No Talent Ass Clowns. Defrens is surprised by the Mayor’s protests. “He had no problem with a restaurant called the Ass House so what’s the problem now?”

The restaurant, with its signature dishes such as “Cow’s Ass,” “Pig’s Ass,” and marinated “Lamb Ass,” has proven to be a popular tourist attraction with standing room only most nights.

“I don’t care how popular that place is,” says Tomes. “I’m only too happy to shut that little pervert down if I can! I don’t like Vas Defrens and I’m not exactly a fan of the New Talent Ass Clowns although some of their earlier stuff was pretty decent and they kind of kick ass live.”

Just announced. Brand new No Talent Ass Clowns merchandise is here! Have the great rock band on earth on a t-shirt, a trucker’s hat or a thong–or all three! Tell the world you’re an ass clown! Just stop by the “Dress Like An Ass Clown” page for details. Lead singer Lars Gunblade has already said “any chick wearing this concert t-shirt is guaranteed admission backstage. The No Talent Ass Clowns thong is a good idea too!”

Lars Gunblade's new book? No thanks.

By Vulgar Smith, Ex-No Talent Ass Clowns Drummer

Somebody make Lars Gunblade stop! First, we get his self-serving autobiography, “Am I Great Or What?” and now we get the rock star’s newest ego trip—a coffee table book of self-indulgent photography.

Five pages of photos showing cigarette butts in the gutter? A chapter devoted to photos of the hubcaps on his sports car getting progressively dirtier? If these were any one else’s photos, no one would notice they exist. But since the great Lars Gunblade took them, we’re supposed to bow down and worship them or something. Thanks but no thanks. This is some seriously crappy photography from one seriously crappy human being. And I’m not just saying that because I’m not in the band anymore. My leaving was by mutual consent. But I digress.

Some sections of the book actually offered a lot of promise. For example, the huge selection of naked groupie photos could have been really hot. Unfortunately, all of the photos are out of focus and overexposed. Thanks for nothing, Lars. I noticed that he managed to get his own John Thomas in focus but not the naked chicks. That’s Lars for you.

I don’t recommend this book. I also don’t recommend any No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. At least not until they get rid of Joey Van Dundro, rock’s worst drummer.

(Editor’s note: All of us here at The Official Worship Site are deeply saddened by the death of Vulgar Smith. Sure, it’s a bit strange that he writes a scathing review of Lars’ book and he’s dead a few weeks later but, come on, the band is on tour. There’s no way Lars could have done it.)