A new find shows that’s exactly what they are! 18^th century historian Rod Burnside recently came across a July 1735 edition of “Gentleman’s Magazine,” a popular London magazine of the time featuring an account of a band of musicians called The No Talent Ass Clowns.

Popular rock band played concert in 1735!!

What could be just coincidence is further dispelled by the mention of a song called “Shooting the Cat Sonata” about binge drinking, which bears an eerie similarity to today’s “Blow Chunks Ballet,” a song about the same thing. Furthermore, the 1735 magazine specifically references singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens by name. Coincidence? Hardly, says researcher Burnside.

“What else could explain their incredibly long life?” asks the researcher. “They’re obviously vampire rock stars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” cautioned Burnside.

“This is ridiculous,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We aren’t vampires. This is simply an attempt by the rock media to discredit us.”

Gunblade was asked recently about the large number of Ass Clown groupies who have disappeared over the years. “They’re just doing this so when people search for ‘crazy Twilight fans’ they will come across this story!” said the singer. “It’s a cheap trick to increase SEO value. Can’t you see that?” shouted Gunblade to frightened reporters aboard the band’s tour blimp.

"The Toilet" Evokes Fond Memories For The No Talent Ass Clowns

Rock stars have a love/hate relationship with Consumption Auditorium. That is to say, every rock star hates it with the exception of The No Talent Ass Clowns, who call the place home. “We love it there!” exclaims front man Lars Gunblade. “Yeah, it’s a manicured cesspool but it works for us. Just don’t drink the tap water, take off your shoes or touch anything!”

Over the years, the non-working restrooms, leaky roof, cracked walls, ceilings and floors have caused the famous rock venue to be nearly condemned half a dozen times. “The place is scary at night,” said janitor James “Rambo” Jones. “There’s rats in there the size of cars. One time, a guy passed out after a concert and he got locked in overnight. Next morning, we found him and half of his body had been eaten by rats. Nasty!”

Bands continually complain about the dilapidated dressing rooms and the fact that the electrical system is so faulty that three singers have been electrocuted on stage since 1985. They may not have to suffer any longer. Rumor has it the building may be demolished next year. Here’s a group of rock stars who won’t be upset by that fact:

Bruce Springsteen: “We played there in ’75 during the “Born to Run” tour. Scary, man! I needed half a dozen vaccinations after we left.”

Depeche Mode: “First place we played in the States. Almost made us never come back.”

Bon Jovi: “Played it once. Never again. There was something with glowing red eyes behind a hole in the wall.”

Green Day: “Something below the floorboards grabbed our feet as we headed toward the stage. We’re still in counseling for that.”

Garbage: “We heard voices in the bathrooms. Sounded like a satanic mass or something. Two of our roadies were found beheaded. We took that as a bad sign.”

Joey Van Dundro

Police at a recent No Talent Ass Clowns concert did not arrest drummer Joey Van Dundro for committing a non-sexual act on stage.

Unlike Lizard King Jim Morrison of the Doors who was famous for being arrested in the late 60s for committing a sexual act on stage, Van Dundro was not detained after the concert.

“It was a non-sexual act,” said police spokesman Clarence J. Boddicker. “We didn’t see the point of arresting him since he didn’t do anything wrong.”

Van Dundro was relieved. “When they didn’t arrest me, I didn’t see my future flashing before my eyes.”

More controversy for the legendary song

This morning Medfield College in Los Angeles, CA joined a long list of colleges that have banned The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ notorious song “Blow Chunks Ballet” from their campuses.

“It’s a terrible influence,” said Medfield College’s Dean Higgins. “Why would anyone in their right mind think the world needs a song about throwing up?”

Starting at noon, the song can’t be played on the Medfield campus or in its dorms. “We had no choice. You should see this place after our frat houses play that song. Barf everywhere. You need a gas mask just to walk by.”

The band takes this latest college ban in stride. “Hey, see if we care!” responded Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “As long as there’s money in it and lots of gullible female fans, this is how we roll.”

WATCH THE VIDEO

Lars Gunblade, lead singer of The No Talent Ass Clowns

The “Blow Chunks Ballet” music video is now on YouTube — and The No Talent Ass Clowns couldn’t be more angry.

“Some f**ker uploaded that video illegally, ” exclaimed Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade. “Somebody on YouTube is pretending to be me. He’s spamming other videos and telling them to look at ‘Blow Chunks’ instead. The band doesn’t want that. We want people to buy our videos on DVD. We don’t give it away, dude.”

“We aren’t on iTunes because we can’t charge 50 bucks for each download, which is what our music is worth,” hissed guitarist Vas Defrens. “Same with YouTube… our videos weren’t on there… until last week anyway! This pretend LarsGunblade is in for some big trouble from our lawyers!”

“Shit. I feel like the groupies I violate all the time,” said Gunblade as he leered at a nearby scantily-clad groupie.

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No Talent Ass Clowns -- Greatest Band Ever!

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have been voted the greatest rock band of all time. In a surprise press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp, Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold announced that the voting came from the band itself. “The band decided that they were the best and now they want everyone to know it,” said Gold as he groped two Ass Clowns groupies.

“Yeah, we are the best band ever!” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We rock. We roll. We do all that shit!”

“Other bands should just retire,” said lead guitarist Vas Defrens as he downed triple vodkas and lines of cocaine.

“We try to not let the fact that we are the world’s greatest band ever go to our heads,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “We put our pants on just like everybody else. It’s just that hordes of smoking hot chicks take them off again later… that’s the only difference.”

Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade said “Britney Spears can, in fact, kiss MY a**!” during a press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp Friday morning.

Gunblade’s anger comment comes after Spears responded to abuse allegations by tweeting, “Star Magazine, Radar Online, Jason Alexander and the rest of you liars, Ya’ll can kiss my lily white southern Louisiana a**!”

“I got a standing offer,” said Gunblade as he groped two groupies during the press conference. “She is welcome aboard the Ass Clowns blimp any time. She knows what to do once she’s here. Ain’t nothin’ she hasn’t done before if you know what I mean,” he concluded with a sneer.

Gunblade is rumored to have had a brief affair with Spears in 2001 that ended bitterly although he has never commented publicly about it. “That’s private stuff,” said the controversial rocker. “But anything’s you’ve heard… yeah, it’s probably true.”