Tour Blimp #2

Six months after destroying their first tour blimp in an elaborate joke on the pubic to make it appear the band had died, The No Talent Ass Clowns launched their second tour blimp on Saturday.

“Yeah, it was a funny joke and we laughed our asses off but it wound up costing us shitloads of money,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “I guess that’s just another reason we had to declare bankruptcy.

The new blimp has the same amenities as the original: hot tubs and private bedrooms. “It’s a place to relax with our groupies,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “It blows away Led Zeppelin and their stupid private jet, the Starship. That was lame. Led Zepp were just amateur pervs. Our blimp is the new frontier of decadence.”

“Well, I’m envious,” said former Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant. “We thought we had defined bad behavior for rock bands forever and here are the No Talent Ass Clowns taking it to the new level. They get more groupies pregnant in a day than I did in five years on the road. Believe me, that’s pretty impressive.”

Wikileaks has revealed in a startling new report that “Blow Chunks Ballet“, the famous drinking anthem by The No Talent Ass Clowns, was used to torture terrorist suspects at Gitmo.

Several confidential reports reference the song, saying that it proved very effective at breaking particularly difficult prisoners. “After hearing ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘ 200 times, most would tell us anything we wanted to know, even things we didn’t want to know. Strangely, a handful requested to attend one of the band’s concerts,” said one report. “No one in the DOD had seen anything like this. While far more effective than water boarding, many interrogators preferred the hands-on approach of water boarding instead. We don’t know why.”

The band couldn’t be happier. “It’s great,” gushed front man Lars Gunblade. “People puke everywhere when we play that song at concerts so it’s good to know our song owned those dudes in Gitmo too. We may record a whole album just for the government to use down there. We’ll do it if they cough up our price, which is in the eight figures.”

Lars Gunblade (File photo)

One thing you won’t hear at a No Talent Ass Clowns concert is someone saying, “Don’t tase me, bro!” Instead, front row concertgoers will be shouting for front man Lars Gunblade to tase them–repeatedly. Gunblade often tases dozens of concertgoers. At a concert last week during Historic Dildo Days in Dildo, Newfoundland, Gunblade reportedly tased one drunken patron 14 times. This individual, along with five others, died at the concert. The mayor of Dildo, Mickey Stubbs, was furious. “This is why we banned these guys last year. They cause problems.”

Gunblade, however, had no apologies. “Hey, this is what I do at our shows,” shouted Gunblade as he was taken into custody after the show. “I tase people because they want it. They beg me to tase them… chicks too. If a few people buy it because they have crappy hearts or something, that’s their problem.”

Gunblade’s tasing routine started in 1997 at Consumption Auditorium when he tased an unruly man trying to get onstage. “After that, I just started tasing people for kicks. It was great,” said Gunblade in a recent interview. As the years went by, tasing became a much-anticipated part of every Ass Clowns concert. In 2004, Gunblade had a guitar built with a taser in the neck so he could tase people as he played.

“If Lars stops tasing people at concerts, I won’t go to any more No Talent Ass Clowns concerts,” says fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “I love watching him tase people. They roll around, twitching and drooling and shit… that’s great stuff.”

Within two hours of being arrested, Gunblade was released, thanks to manager Jerry Gold. “He paid the cops off, that’s his job,” said Gunblade as he groped several groupies outside the police station. “I will continue to tase people at our shows. You can bet on that! When I zap people, it makes me feel like a real American. No one is going to stop me from being an American!”

Is this the end of the Ass Clowns?

Legendary rockers, The No Talent Ass Clowns, have declared bankruptcy. “We’re entitled to the protection of bankruptcy,” proclaimed band members at a champagne press reception in New York City.

“Turns out being a rock star is expensive,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Just the price of drugs alone is a budget buster. I only do designer drugs these days and those don’t come cheap. Add to that all of the bribes for radio play and press coverage and you got something approaching the national damn debt!”

“I’m sure glad that we don’t have to worry about this shit any longer,” said guitarist Vas Defrens as he sampled caviar from the belly button of a supermodel reclining on a food tray. “Now we can spend as much as we want and we don’t have to answer for it. That’s always been my dream.”

Drummer Joey Van Dundro defended the band’s spending habits. “Look, I use a different customized drum kit for each song in concert. Plus, all of my drums are skinned with baby seal because that gives me the best sound. All of that comes with a price, dude!”

Band says “no” to Ass Clowns impersonators

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns issued a statement this morning concerning An Ass Clowns Tribute Band called Ass of Mass Destruction. It reads:

“We are against Ass Clowns tribute bands. Period. End of statement. You want Ass Clowns? Then you pay to see the originals. Not some cheap copies. Ass of Mass Destruction can sing “Blow Chunks Ballet” but they’ll never be The No Talent Ass Clowns. They won’t get the groupies or anywhere near the amount of drugs we get. We can’t stop shitty tribute bands like this but we can tell our fans that they are dicks if they go to see Ass of Mass Destruction.”

The tribute band recently announced plans to begin offering concerts but no further details have been issued. Despite the band’s reaction, Ass Clown fans seem interested.

“I can’t afford real Ass Clown ticket prices,” said Buford Picklefeather, a fan from Perth Amboy, NJ. “However, I can afford to see a cheap knock-off like Ass of Mass Destruction!”

Vulgar Smith

The body of Ex-No Talent Ass Clowns drummer, Vulgar Smith, was discovered yesterday with the Skull and Bones, an undergraduate senior or secret society at Yale University.

Police found the drummer’s mummified body had been propped up with a pot plant in each hand in a secret meeting room located inside “The Tomb,” which is the hall that the society uses. The reaction of campus officials was swift. “I thought they were just getting new members to take a wizz on Geronimo’s stolen skull. That I understand. Their  role in a global conspiracy for world domination is also pretty easy to take. This, on the other hand, is unacceptable.”

Members of the No Talent Ass Clowns seemed unfazed by the news. “Vulgar always did like having an audience,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “This kind of makes sense.”

Smith died last summer under mysterious circumstances. Since then, Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade has been viewed as a prime suspect in his death by many fans. “That’s bullshit,” says Gunblade. “I never killed him. And if I did, there’s no evidence to link me to the crime.”