Lars Gunblade's car in flames outside Kings Nose, NJ

Early this morning, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade narrowly escaped death when his car exploded near Kings Nose, NJ. Reporters at the scene found a dazed Gunblade declaring that ex-Beatle Paul McCartney had to be responsible. Gunblade recently published a book linking the firing of ex-Beatles drummer Pete Best with the “Paul is Dead” conspiracy.

“Macca thinks he got me. He didn’t. I’m still here and I’m still writing songs with balls. Can Sir Paul say the same?”

Although Gunblade seemed defiant, he said shortly afterward that his book would no longer be available for purchase as of June 5.

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Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

It’s a fairly typical story. A rabid No Talent Ass Clowns fan in Haney, Canada logged onto the Ass Clowns website on April 6 and spent 31 minutes reading page after page of content about the legendary band and its exploits. What’s not so typical is that just a month later, the Ass Clowns played to a sell-out crowd at the city’s Nudist Days Festival in Pitt Meadows Athletic Park. It’s all part of the band’s tour strategy.

“If you spend more than 20 minutes on the band’s website,” explained front man Lars Gunblade, “we’re gonna play a concert date in your town and I’m not bullshitting here. In addition, we’ll be sampling the local girls backstage. It’s a win-win situation for the band and our fans… although A LOT more so for us.”

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Vas Defrens under arrest

For the first time in the band’s history, three of the four members of the legendary No Talent Ass Clowns have been arrested within the space of one month. Last night, Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens was arrested in Kings Nose, NJ after an altercation with a police officer. He joins the ranks of recent felons, front man Lars Gunblade and the band’s bassist.

“I realized that I hadn’t been arrested for a few years,” said Defrens. “I was starting to feel some pressure from the rest of the group to get arrested so I decided now was a good time to spend a little time behind bars. It was great. Naturally, our manager sprung me after 90 minutes. It gave me just enough time to write five songs for the new CD.”

Fans are now wondering if drummer Joey Van Dundro will complete the arrest cycle for the band. “I’m thinkin’ about it,” said Van Dundro. “If I get picked up, I want it to be for something really weird. Trouble is, I’ve been picked up for just about everything. I’m runnin’ out of weird.”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ bassist Carnage Smith was arrested outside Jerry Gold Recording Studios in Kings Nose, NJ late last night. This is not an unusual occurrence. Carnage Smith has been arrested hundreds of times for drug possession and soliciting prostitutes. This time, however, there were no charges of any kind.

Arresting Officer Hans Gruber was unapologetic. “He was bugging me,” said Gruber. “I don’t like Carnage Smith’s music or his bass playing.  That square bugs me! When I saw him in front of the studio having a smoke and talking to some groupies, I figured why not run him in for no reason at all? So I did and let me tell you, it felt great. The guys in the precinct house thought it was funny too. Now we have a contest going to see who can arrest the most people without charges in a single day.”

“Naturally, our manager, Jerry Gold, bailed me out,” said the frustrated bass player during a press conference he called at a strip club shortly after being released. Between lap dances, Carnage explained what happened after his arrest.

“This whole experience has taken its toll on me. Apparently, I’m now engaged to some guy named ‘Tazz’ who was in my holding cell. I’m a little concerned about what that could do to my reputation. And besides, making a marriage work in this business is pretty tough.”

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Lars Gunblade (File photo)

Legendary No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade was arrested this morning for possession of 57 tons of marijuana by ATF agents who track him throughout the year.

“57 tons of pot is a lot of pot,” said ATF agent Jacques O’Flaherty. “I mean a whole lot of bud. Like 35 tractor trailers worth actually. I’m not sure Americans collectively smoke that much weed in a year. The crazy part is that this appears to be Lars’ personal stash for just two weeks. This guy spends a lot on stuff like Doritos, let me tell you.”

Within two hours of his arrest, Gunblade was released without charges . “Our manager, Jerry Gold, bought off the cops. Let’s just say a bunch of ATF agents will be red-eyed tonight,” said a smiling Gunblade as he rejoined The No Talent Ass Clowns who are currently working on tracks for a new album before they hit the road touring in May.

“It’s gonna be a green day after all. Thank God they didn’t find my emergency supplies,” said a grinning Gunblade as he fondled several groupies doing a playback.

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Lars Gunblade

For a limited time, No Talent Ass Clowns fans can get a special limited edition poster of rock legend, Lars Gunblade.

Printed on special recycled smoking papers, the poster shows the legendary rocker in his favorite setting, the disreputable Consumption Auditorium “dressing room” in Kings Nose, NJ. Fans worldwide are appalled that the poster sells for $5,000. “It’s a bargain,” said Lars Gunblade. “After all, it’s me and you know you want it. Hell, even I get turned on just looking at it.”

“I don’t know if I can afford this Lars Gunblade poster,” said avid fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “I could turn some tricks again. I suppose that would give me enough cash. It just bugs me that I have to do that. My wife will be pissed.”

According to Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold, the poster is only available to attractive female groupies with large breasts who get invited backstage. “Hey, look, we can’t just let anyone have this poster.”

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