“Those dickheads ain’t comin’ back here!” says Dildo Mayor

Historic Dildo Days may never be the same again. At least not if the town’s mayor has anyway to do with it.

In a dramatic scene outside of the normally sedate Dildo Dory Grill, Dildo Mayor Mickey Stubbs issued a blunt statement that received widespread applause from angry local residents. Controversial band The No Talent Ass Clowns aren’t welcome at this year’s Historic Dildo Days Festival on August 14 in Dildo, Newfoundland.

“Ah, heck, no,” says Stubbs. “We don’t need that kind of thing going on here. Historic Dildo Days is a family event. We can’t have the No Talent Ass Clowns screwin’ that up. That [lead singer] Lars Gunblade will be tryin’ to nail every skirt in town. He did that last year and we’re still gettin’ over that. No, no. They are not comin’ to Dildo Days this year. They’re banned. You betcha.”

The mayor is furious that the town counsel had invited the band back this year in the first place. “Those Ass Clowns tear apart the George House Bed and Breakfast and piss all over the staircases and we invite them back? That’s some real circle-jerkular logic going on! Yeah, I said ‘circle-jerkular’… that’s right, I listen to Jon Stewart too. Although I’m certain he’s gonna quit in four or five years. I have a bet on that.”

Historic Dildo Days Rumors Involve Dildo Mayor

The mayor’s anger at the band is rumored to be a direct result of front man Lars Gunblade getting Stubbs’ daughter pregnant after the event last year. The mayor’s daughter, Staci Stubbs, refuses to comment on the issue. When we tried to track her down, neighbors told us that she’s now a stripper at a club in Windsor, Ontario where she dances under the name “Amber Lust-Lilly.”

When asked to comment, the band was furious about the Mayor’s decision.“They don’t want us at Historic Dildo Days? They can blow me! And I mean that quite literally,” says Lars Gunblade. The controversial singer says that the band may play a gig in nearby Spread Eagle, Newfoundland. “That’s sounds more like our kind of town anyway,” says Gunblade with a smile on his face.

In the end, the band will likely play a protest concert just outside out of town, according to guitarist Vas Defrens. “The only thing that really matters is that we get laid. We don’t need Historic Dildo Days for that. We’re covered.”