Live Virgin Sacrifices Slated For Centralia, PA Concert
In a press conference aboard their tour blimp, controversial rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns announced they will perform a free concert in Centralia, PA on Saturday, August 11 where they will sacrifice five nude virgins onstage. The band will take the stage at noon and sacrifice the girls during the final song, which is rumored to be “Burn You To A Crisp” off their upcoming album “A Little Ass Music.”
The setting for the concert could not be more dramatic. Centralia, PA is an abandoned town where a coal fire has burned underground since the early 1960s. The band members said they were excited by the fact that parts of the road have been ripped apart in Centralia and hot smoke comes out. “That is massively cool. Like playing a concert in hell, man!” said front man Lars Gunblade. “At the conclusion of the concert, we will throw the virgins into the smoking fissures in the ground and they will be enveloped in flames. It should be awesome.”
The band wouldn’t give the exact location of the Centralia concert. “Technically, we’re not supposed to be there because it’s dangerous to inhale all of that carbon monoxide shit,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “But this is rock and roll and we need to offer a sacrifice to the Gods of Rock. Who’s going to stop us? The Centralia police department? I don’t think so. The town’s like deserted, man. You can bet there’ll be a lot of ass clowning at that concert.”
Gunblade said the virgins haven’t been selected yet but there is no end of applicants. “You wouldn’t believe how many girls want to do this,” said Gunblade. “If we had known so many chicks were willing to be sacrificed, we would have started doing this at shows 10 years ago.”
UPDATE: Unconfirmed rumors are flying around the web saying that Tesla will open for The No Talent Ass Clowns. Could be tough ’cause they’re already playing the Wisconsin State Fair that evening. Stay tuned for more.
UPDATE: A state employee who declined to be identified says that there could be as many as 200,000 at Ass Clowns concert.