Lars Gunblade (Lead Singer)

Abandoned by his parents when he was three, Lars lived in the sewer system beneath the streets of Kings Nose, NJ eating rats and listening to rock music blaring from car windows on the streets above. He was eventually taken in by a kind-hearted hooker and her pimp named “Lucky” and lived in the basement of their brothel until his early teens.

On his 6th birthday, Lars first met future Ass Clowns guitarist, Vas Defrens, in a Kings Nose alley. Vas had just stolen a guitar from a blind street musician and he was trying to learn a few chords. When Lars heard Vas play, he says he “shat” himself on the spot. Lars has told an entirely different story of their first meeting in a recent video interview.

Lars and Vas soon formed a band, then another band, then another. Tensions were high because arguments would erupt over what to name the band or whether to use one chord in a song or two. The two were briefly in the band Factory-Sealed Fornicators in 1991 before forming The No Talent Ass Clowns in late 1993.

Controversies

In the No Talent Ass Clowns’ early years, Lars had a well-known falling out with Foo Fighters front man, Dave Grohl. Rumor has it they were recording a Black Sabbath tribute album in the late 90s but egos clashed and the two parted ways. Since then, both have trashed the other in interviews. At times, Grohl has denied even knowing Lars Gunblade.

Lars also has a poor relationship with U2 singer Bono. The two first met in the 90s in Bora Bora and Lars said that U2 was basically just an Irish show band when you get right down to it. Bono didn’t appreciate the comment and Bono also now denies knowing Gunblade.

Lars Gunblade gained an infamous reputation when he began carrying a taser onstage and periodically tased people in the front rows, especially while performing “Blow Chunks Ballet” the band’s signature song. Although there have been many reported injuries among fans (including numerous fatalities), it’s not uncommon to see swooning fans in the front rows of No Talent Ass Clown shows screaming, “Tase me! Tase me, Lars!”

Hated by critics but popular with women with low self-esteem, Lars is seldom in public without a neurotic beauty or two on his arm (or wherever).

Lars Facts

• Hobbies: Groupies, collecting radioactive isotopes and trucker balls
• Favorite person: Me
• Turn-ons: Are you comin’ on to me? Back off, dude
• Turn-offs: Getting arrested, running out of “stuff”
• Favorite band: Mine
• I never …: Drink whiskey before noon
• Favorite drink: Grain alcohol

Former Members of the Band

Vas Defrens (Lead Guitar)

Born and raised in the slums of Kings Nose, NJ, Vas Defrens lived on the town’s infamous mean streets before the infamous Warehouse District was revitalized. His only companion was an empty soda can he had named Reg.

“Life in Kings Nose was hard. You lived by your wits,” said Vas in an interview. “I remember one morning when some kids would knock over the trash cans without picking them up. You can’t see something like that without it changing you on the inside.”

After meeting Lars and forming The No Talent Ass Clowns, Vas quickly became known as one of rock’s most talented guitar players. “Yeah, I’m that good!” said Vas confidently. “Jimmy Page? Jeff Beck? Jack White? Yeah, blow me. Nobody can touch me on the guitar when I’m relatively sober.”

He refused to talk about his reputed ass obsession. “The press has blown this all out of proportion. They don’t understand,” said Vas during an interview in Rock Wasteland.

Other aspects of Vas’ life were less mysterious. He married popular porn star Trixie Beaumont in 2014 and the two had eleven children who lived on Defrens’ vast estate in Montana named Rectal Hall in honor of Vas’ mother. In 2021, Lars Gunblade confessed to killing Vas in an argument over the January 6th attempted insurrection at the Capitol.

Vas Facts

• Hobbies: Groupies, guitars shaped like asses
• Favorite person: Attila the Hun
• Turn-ons: None of them are legal so I’m not saying
• Turn-offs: Non-ass related things, anti-drug laws, stems & seeds
• Favorite band: Cowsills, Carpenters
• I never… : Defile groupies unless I know their names first
• Favorite drink: Brown Russian (Don’t ask)

Carnage Smith (Bass)

A native of Kings Nose, NJ, Carnage Smith first met front man Lars Gunblade when the two served sentences for armed robbery in their late teens. “Lars was an a-hole then. Still is too,” says Carnage. He is the brother of the late Vulgar Smith, the Ass Clowns’ first drummer. Although he suspects Lars killed Vulgar, he isn’t holding a grudge. “Hey, live and let die, you know?” says the Ass Clowns bass player.

Carnage took his job as bass player in stride. “Easy duty really,” said Carnage. “Ass Clowns songs are moronically simple so it requires like zero effort from me on stage or in the studio. That’s what I like.”

Carnage’s hobbies include herbal jazz cigarettes and collecting vintage electrical insulators. Carnage left The No Talent Ass Clowns in June 2016 by mutual agreement.

Joey Van Dundro (Drums/Cowbell)

“Hard to like,” is how many fans described Joey. According to many rock critics, this description applied to his drumming as well. What may sound like the inability to keep a beat is actually an experimental approach to rhythm, according to Van Dundro. Critics contend he can’t drum to save his life. “F**k them!” said Van Dundro. “Who’s nailin’ the groupies? Me or the critics? Case closed.”

Joey’s personal hero is Pete Best, the drummer The Beatles ditched in favor of Ringo Starr. “That was bullshit. Pete Best was way better than Ringo. You can totally hear that on the first EMI session. Way better, man. Pete Best could have taken the Beatles to number one if they had kept him on. Bet they kicked themselves later on.”

Joey left the band in June 2016 by mutual agreement.