Lars at Consumption Auditorium

After hiking concert tickets to $5,000 each, No Talent Ass Clowns concert sales are in the toilet. Front man Lars Gunblade issued a threat yesterday from the band’s tour blimp: start buying tickets or the concert tour is over.

“This is bullshit,” said Gunblade. “This ain’t no charity. If you don’t want to pay for tickets, then screw it, we’re staying home. I can bang groupies when we aren’t touring just as easily as when we are. It makes no difference to me! Go see U2 instead. We don’t care!”

Meanwhile sales for their latest album, “Say Hello To My Posterior” have tanked as well. “Oh, and you better start buying the f**king CD too!” said Gunblade.