“The Ass Clowns are probably dead but maybe not,” says President.
No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro has vanished, which means the entire band is now missing! In a press conference this morning in front of a giant mural of the band, President Obama urged fans to remain calm and carry on.
“The markets are already reacting to this news,” said Obama. “It’s a bit premature to say that the Ass Clowns are dead. However, if you’re a betting man, you’re probably going to make some good money betting against their survival. Just saying.”
The President spent nearly 40 minutes discussing the band and why their last few albums just didn’t stack up to “Behind the Times” or “Pucker Factor.” Obama announced that he was cancelling his afternoon golf game because he was too distraught.
Late last night Van Dundro failed to turn up at a secret dog fighting arena he attends every Tuesday just outside Kings Nose, New Jersey. “We immediately notified the President since he is a huge Ass Clowns fan,” said Deputy Sheriff Leon Klinghoffer. “There are no leads in this case. Frankly, we don’t know where the band is. That kind of sucks because I never got to see them live and I hear they’re way better live than in the studio.”