Megaband The No Talent Ass Clowns recently played a show at Trees in Deep Ellum, TX with no audience of any kind. And it was on purpose.

“Yeah, we bought Trees out,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We’re made it clear over the years that we hate our fans. So it only makes sense that we’d want to avoid actually playing for them, as we said in a recent interview. As our manager keeps telling us, it’s real f*cking expensive to do this but it was worth it. Totally.”

“No fans at Trees meant no hassles,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “No people demanding to hear certain songs, no large crowds of people shouting ‘You suck’ in the front row. None of that! The show at Trees in Deep Ellum came off beautifully without having the audience there. We played a total kick-ass version of ‘Pinch The Loaf‘ that blew away the studio version. If there had been an audience, the whole show would have sucked ass.”

“I hear bands like Nirvana have played at Trees,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Am I supposed to be impressed? Because I’m not. Not by a long shot.”

Angry Dallas fans who were denied entry, however, were ready to boycott the band. “This is bullshit,” said Tony Stomponado,  a worker at a nearby pizza shop on Elm Street. “The No Talent Ass Clowns is my favorite band but I can’t see them because they bought all of the seats at the Trees? I always knew they were dicks but this is going way too far. First, they said they didn’t want the fans looking at them. Fine, we went along with that. But now this?”

“This idea is costing millions of dollars,” confessed Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “It seems a little retarded to buy out places like Trees but we’ll keep this up until Lars is satisfied, I guess.”