Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently played a gig at The Crocodile in Seattle, WA with absolutely no one in the audience. And it was totally on purpose.

“Yeah, we bought The Crocodile totally out,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Why? Everyone knows that we hate our fans. So it makes complete sense that we’d want to like totally skip playing for them, just like we said recently in a video interview. Our manager likes to remind us that it’s real f*cking expensive to do this kind of shit but for the band, it’s worth it.”

“Having no fans at The Crocodile is like Nirvana man,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “Wait, that’s a horrible choice of words since those a-holes actually played at The Crocodile. What I meant was that there were no people demanding to hear songs, no vast group of people shouting ‘You suck’ in the front row.  The show at The Crocodile in Seattle came off perfectly precisely because there was no audience of any kind. We played a bad-ass version of ‘Pinch The Loaf‘ that made the studio version sound like shit. If we had had an audience there, the show would have licked donkey balls. Not that that’s a bad thing.”

“I hear Nirvana have played at The Crocodile,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Impressed? I think not. This club books a lot of shitty hip-hop stuff these days. We had to shake that up. And we did.”

When angry Seattle fans were denied entry at the door, they vowed revenge. “The Ass Clowns can bite me,” said Joseph Bunky,  a worker at the Taco Del Mar nearby. “They’re my favorite band. Why did they have to buy all the tickets at The Crocodile? They’re assholes. First, they order the fans not to look at them. Fine, we could live with that. But this? This is bullshit.”

“We’re losing millions of dollars buying out concert venues like this one in Seattle,” admitted Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “It seems stupid to buy out places like The Crocodile but I guess we’ll keep doing it until we go belly up, which should be pretty f*cking soon now!”