Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns admitted in a press conference today that he killed lead guitarist Vas Defrens in a fit of rage on January 6th. The news came as no surprise to fans. Many had been questioning why Defrens was a no-show at numerous sex parties in Los Angeles throughout the spring.
“Vas and I used to double team a bunch of Orange County cougars,” said a man who would only identify himself as Todd Roland Warrington of Torrance, California. “I noticed he hasn’t been around since last year. I can’t tell you how much I miss those three-ways we’d have. Sex one-on-one just isn’t for me.”
Gunblade’s Motive for the Killing
Guitarist Vas Defrens
Gunblade’s reason was killing Defrens seems to have resolved around the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol. “We argued about whether the guy stealing Nancy’s Pelosi’s podium was going to sell it on eBay,” said Gunblade. “Before you know it, we were arguing and then I had no choice. I had to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick several times. Then, I naturally plunged a Bowie knife into his neither regions for few dozen times. It was only after I calmed down that I had the presence of mind to chop his head off and toss it in a landfill.
Gunblade admits that killing Defrens could have a negative effect on the band’s ability to tour. “In retrospect, I should have probably just maimed or castrated him. Then, he would still be able to tour and I’d be able to make fun of him in front of audiences. That was a missed opportunity.”
Fans have been holding vigils at Rectal Hall, Defrens’ estate in Montana. Many collapsed in tears. Others urinated on the Rectal Hall sign at the entrance. “Lars should get a medal or go to jail for killing Vas, I’m not sure which,” said one fan.
Will Lars Gunblade continue as a solo act. Only the future will tell.