Lars Gunblade with strippers Velvet Trench and EZ Stevie at the “Take It Off, Bitch!” Strip Club

Legendary singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has opened a string of strip clubs. The chain, known as Take It Off, Bitch!, had grand openings in more than 50 cities today. Gunblade surprised the crowd at the Kings Nose, NJ location when he announced that he would have sex with every single stripper in the franchise.

“I figure I can nail all the girls at the Kings Nose location tonight, then I’ll move onto the other locations as the band tours,” said Gunblade. The infamous singer claims his decision to open the strip clubs was practical. “I spend pretty much every day in strip clubs and it costs a fortune. I figure if I own the club, I’m in better shape financially.”

One peculiar aspect of each Take It Off, Bitch! strip club is that the dancers begin their act totally nude and put their clothes on as they dance their routines. “I wanted something a little different,” said Gunblade. “Every strip club has chicks taking their clothes off. I wanted to reverse that. The customers actually hate this whole idea, but you know what? If they don’t like it, they can open their own strip club!”

The dancers at the Kings Nose location were appreciating the new club. “This place is truly wonderful,” said 23-year-old dancer Sharon B., AKA Taffy Pull. “I was the first girl to get it on with Lars during the ribbon cutting ceremony so I’ve got some street cred now. He’s actually really horrible in the sack but I need the job. My husband teaches college physics, but he’s trying to transition to his dream job as a mop man at a peep show. That takes money because everybody wants that job.”

“Lars beat me to this idea,” remarked guitarist Vas Defrens. “I guess we can tag-team the dancers. Shit knows we’ve done that before!”

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Guitarist Vas Defrens rocks the house during a recent No Talent Ass Clowns concert at Consumption Auditorium.

Kings Nose NJ police spent Friday night questioning Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens about a dead hooker found naked in his apartment recently. Amber Anderson, 20, was dead when police arrived at Defrens’ home in the famous Warehouse district shortly after midnight nearly two weeks ago. The naked woman had no marks on her body but the name “Vas” had been carved into her firm buttocks with an Exacto knife.

“Hey, I may have carved my name on her ass because that’s art,” said Defrens after being released from questioning. “But it would have been dumb to kill her. She was super talented, if you know what I mean.”

No Dead Hooker On Defrens’ Record… This Time

“Yes, we let Mr. Defrens go,” said Sheriff Brock Launders. “Vas is good people and he doesn’t deserve to have a mark like this on his record. A dead hooker in your apartment just looks bad, you know what I mean? Besides, we’ve arrested him lots of times and he kind of deserved a break for once.”

“Justice was served,” said Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont. “I did a lesbo scene with Amber once and she kept upstaging me. If Vas killed her, so what? He’s a big star and you gotta give him more leeway than you would an ordinary person.”

“Amber didn’t deserve this,” said Tiffany, a co-worker of Amber’s who generally works the intersection of 4th and Commercial Streets in Kings Nose. “Vas was pretty weird as customers go. Amber specialized in kinky stuff but Vas took it so far that she kind of freaked out. Just two weeks ago, she was talking about becoming a nun to wipe out the sordid memories of sex with Vas. That says a lot coming from a girl who didn’t flinch at sessions with entire sports teams.”

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Apparently before he leaves The Daily Show, Jon Stewart decided there was one thing he absolutely had to do… tear into rock star Lars Gunblade’s latest interview posted on YouTube. In his usual smarmy manner, Stewart made fun of the No Talent Ass Clowns singer for so long that the guest for that day’s show, Vice President Joe Biden, had to be rescheduled.

Gunblade watched the show at a Kings Nose, NJ strip club and began throwing chairs and eventually strippers as Stewart tore into his interview. “This is bullshit,” said Gunblade as police escorted him out of the building. “I’m Lars Gunblade. No one makes fun of me. Not even me!”

“I missed the show,” remarked Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was pretty wasted when it came on and all I remember is waking up during the closing credits and finding a dead prostitute in my room with my name carved into her buttocks. Let’s just say I had other things to worry about besides what Jon Stewart was saying about Lars.”

Jon Stewart Savors Gunblade’s “Level of Stupid”

“No one ever said rock stars are geniuses,” said Jon Stewart. “But you have to admit… there’s a level of stupid that few people have explored as thoroughly… as professionally… as Lars Gunblade has.” His heavily medicated audience cheered as he wrapped up his speech and mugged for the camera (as he tends to do pretty frequently if you think about it).

In a mock-serious tone, Stewart concluded his commentary with, “You know, I’ve enjoyed poking fun at the Republicans… Fox News… Arby’s. But knowing that before I leave this show… I had a chance to give Lars Gunblade a final comedy enema… well, that makes it all worth it. Thank you, Jesus.”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns like to talk about themselves whenever they get the opportunity. But they seldom sit down for an in-depth, on-camera interview. Luckily, a Kings Nose, NJ student filmmaker convinced front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens to sit down for a few moments yesterday. As a result, one of rock’s greatest interviews took place.

“I was nervous,” said filmmaker Larry Booth. “These guys are like gods… brain-damaged gods, yeah, but still gods. When I started filming, they really opened up about their music and stuff. It was amazing. Lars barfed on my carpet a whole bunch of times but it was worth it.”

“We wanted to show that we’re amazing, but that we’re also human,” said Lars Gunblade as he wiped the sick from his face after the interview. “I think people are going to be surprised that we’re almost like them in some ways. People are really going to be impressed when they watch this.”

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Yet another entire issue devoted to front man Lars Gunblade

Rock Wasteland has devoted yet another issue to The No Talent Ass Clowns. In this issue, Lars has a testy interview with famed Rock Wasteland journalist, Dora Stanhope. Here are a few highlights…

Rock Wasteland: Some say you’re a hopeless egomaniac who can’t sing, can’t play and can’t write. They even say you’re a perpetual liar.

Lars: Hey, I am not a perpetual liar. Wait, what does “perpetual” mean?

Rock Wasteland: Tell me, how is the band doing? Did Vas ask about me? Is he seeing someone?

Lars: I thought this interview was going to be about me. I want to talk about me, not the band. Next question, Dora.

Rock Wasteland: Does your music have a message? I’m assuming not.

Lars: Is this some sort of trick question? Because if it is, I’m not answering. I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Rock Wasteland: What’s ahead for Lars Gunblade?

Lars: I’m more concerned about what’s behind Lars Gunblade. And it better be some foxy chick with a 38 rack.

Rock Wasteland: How do you respond to critics who say you and your band are worthless?

Lars: Worthless is a relative term.

Rock Wasteland: What do you mean by that?

Lars: I stand by my answer. Next question, Candi.

Rock Wasteland: Dora.

Lars: Whatever.

Rock Wasteland: Well, I really have to be going. Thanks for the interview, Lars.

Lars: Wait, you’re leaving? Has someone ass*ole in the band been telling you that I still have herpes? Well, they’re f**king liars! I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them all! I got an AA-12 shotgun. They’re dead!

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Lars Gunblade singing a speed metal version of “Hava Nagila.” Several grandmothers left the event in disgust, saying Gunblade’s mother should be ashamed.

Normally, The No Talent Ass Clowns sell out major venues like Consumption Auditorium. But on Saturday night, the bad boys of rock took the stage at a Bar Mitzvah on Long Island.

“My son likes the band although personally I think they are filth,” remarked Sol O’Leary, father of Bar Mitzvah boy Christopher. “Really, they make my skin crawl. If my parents were alive this would kill them!”

The Ass Clowns played to a packed theater in Flushing that Mr. O’Leary spent good money renting, although he did get a nice deal. “We had an agreement,” said Christopher. “I told my dad if he got the Ass Clowns for my Bar Mitzvah, I’d go into the business with him. He bought it. The thing is, working would get in the way of doin’ stuff. That’s what inheritances are for.”

“It was great,” said Gunblade after the show. “We usually don’t do crap gigs like this, but $500,000 is kinda hard to turn down.”

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Lars Gunblade: shortly before beating the photographer who snapped this picture

No Talent Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade was arrested in Kings Nose NJ early this morning after kicking a photographer in the groin nearly 60 times. “I’m not ashamed of what I did. I’d do again. This is my hobby! Don’t you get it?” shouted Gunblade as police took him into the police station and a crowd of groupies and admirers looked on.

The incident began when photographer Chico O’Brian accosted the singer at a strip club. Gunblade demanded that O’Brian stop taking pictures and the two argued. Within minutes, the photographer was on the ground writhing in pain as the singer repeatedly kicked him in the groin.

“Hey, Lars has a temper. That’s not exactly news,” said Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “Why do you think nobody in the band wants to talk to him in the studio? He’s kind of scary. That and he smells bad.”

“I’ll never have kids now,” said O’Brian as doctors iced down his crotch. “I used to be a fan. A couple of years ago, he did a signing at the music store where I worked. I thought he was awesome although come to think of it, he kicked me in the balls that day as well.”

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Joey Van Dundro

No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro was discovered early this morning at the New York City apartment of amateur singer Susan Alexander. He was confronted there by his wife, Emily Norton Van Dundro who held a press conference at 10am where she berated her husband and his infidelities. She also criticized his poor drumming abilities, especially on “Pucker Factor,” which Mrs. Van Dundro described as “phoned in.”

Van Dundro is still getting high approval ratings among fans, perhaps because they never liked the fact that Van Dundro secretly married Emily Norton in 2011. Ass clowns roadie and friend of Van Dundro, Jed Leland, said of the drummer, “All he ever wanted out of life was love. That’s the tragedy of Joey Van Dundro. You see, he just doesn’t have any to give.”

The news of Van Dundro’s adultery comes just weeks before the release of his first solo CD, which remains untitled at this time. What effect this news will have on sales of the new CD is impossible to predict.

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Vas Defrens’ CD is “sick, lewd and deprived but catchy” says critic

Bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns has once again caused a firestorm of controversy with a new CD hitting stores today.

The CD, entitled “I’ll Be Seizin’ You,” contains two 40-minute songs in an elaborate digipak that contains dozens of explicit photos of Vas Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont, an inflatable bong, a generous amount of factory-sealed marijuana and a discount coupon for Doritos.

The CD was immediately rejected by all retail outlets across the country. Federal agents are visiting hundreds of stores to make sure no copies are sold. Rumor has it that it’s only available by emailing Defrens and wiring cash to a secret account.

“All those hot pics of Trixie Beaumont sure got me going,” remarked Kenneth William Johnson-Hearst, a cashier at the CD 3PO store in Hunt Valley, MD who asked not to be named. “But we can’t be selling a CD loaded with an once of choice bud… no matter how good it is. I don’t want to be arrested again. That would be strike three for me!”

As for the music itself, critic Joe Bunky from Rock Wasteland didn’t hold back, “It’s sick, lewd and deprived but kind of catchy. We gave it four stars but it really shouldn’t be sold anywhere to anyone for any reason.”

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Dave Grohl and Lars Gunblade recording a take of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

The much-anticipated Dave Grohl-Lars Gunblade Christmas CD collaboration isn’t happening, says Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. The two rock stars, who have long despised each other, were at Gunblade’s recording studio last week working on Christmas songs. Unfortunately, the partnership fell apart after laying down tracks for just two songs.

“These guys shouldn’t be in the same room together, let alone try to record an album,” said Mr. Gold. “This is unfortunate. I was counting on the sales from this CD to fatten out my Cayman Island accounts. And it’s mostly Lars’ fault as far as I’m concerned!”

“I had just finished a killer vocal for ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ but Lars insisted on double-tracking it,” said Dave Grohl over the phone. “To me, that felt wrong. Gunblade wanted to over-produce the thing because he’s such a hack.”

“I’m sad. Dave Grohl did his usual Dave Grohl thing and ruined everything,” said Lars Gunblade during a press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “Worst of all, he refused to record ‘It’s a Blue Sky Christmas.’ I was angry because it would have been a great song that tweakers everywhere would have enjoyed. Now, it’s never going to happen.”

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