This rock band won’t pay taxes. And they’re already becoming a legend because of it…

It’s one thing to say you’re a rebel rock band and it’s another thing to actually be one. The No Talent Ass Clowns are one rock band that won’t pay taxes and they’re ready to back up their actions. In total secrecy, they built a stone fortress outside of their native Kings Nose in New Jersey where they installed extensive military defense works to ward off Federal agents coming to arrest them.

Singer Lars Gunblade supervised the construction of the fort and he recently gave an interview from the band’s ultra secret location located 12.4 miles northwest of Kings Nose off Route 40 (basically, just take the next left after you pass Consumption Auditorium). “Yeah, this place is state-of-the-art,” said Gunblade. “It’s all stone, bitch. It can withstand an artillery barrage with no problem. The moat means that infantry won’t be able to penetrate our outer perimeter and that’s key in a military situation. And that’s what this is, man. But it’s all good. We have the groupies here with us so we’re fine.”

Guitarist Vas Defrens defended the band’s actions in a phone interview earlier this morning. “Why pay taxes, man,” said Defrens. “What do taxes do for us? I mean, yeah, that’s why roads get built and repaired… and bridges… and highways. Yeah, sure, it goes toward making sure food is safe to eat and the air is breathable and shit but what else? OK, defense. But that’s about it.”

Band Won’t Pay Taxes: Feds and Fans Differ About Band’s Actions

Special Agent Timothy J. Thomas had harsh words for the band in a statement issued yesterday. “So this rock band won’t pay taxes. Well, aren’t they so cool? Listen, this is no joke. We’re going to jump on you. And it’s gonna hurt.”

Meanwhile, fans are impressed by the band’s actions. “This is really amazing,” said Joeby Wallace of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Who isn’t going to love a rock band that won’t pay taxes, I ask you? I mean, yeah, it’s totally irresponsible. That’s a given. But I admire their boldness. Sure, the Feds are going to track them down and put them in jail but it’s the struggle that fascinates me. And of course, if I get to see a pink mist where Lars Gunblade’s head once was, that’s just a bonus.”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ self-made rock documentary bombed at its premiere recently.

Totally humiliated, the band is naturally furious. “I’m pissed as f**k,” said front man Lars Gunblade during an interview with Channel 22 News of Kings Nose, NJ. “This documentary shows how great we are and no one wanted to see it. It’s totally awesome. You’d have to be pretty dumb if you aren’t impressed by it.”

Having suffering the humiliation of being cut from the guitar documentary, “It Might Get Loud,” The No Talent Ass Clowns decided to create their own rock documentary. “To be honest, we didn’t put much effort into it,” says Gunblade. “We had some old concert footage lying around and some unused bits of interviews so we just pieced something together in no particular order. It’s not exactly Ken Burns quality but it’s more than good enough for the fans.”

Rock Documentary Failure Blamed On Media

Gunblade blames the failure of the rock documentary on the press, which did little to promote the film. “Luckily, we have Channel 22 in our back pocket,” says Gunblade. “KCUF is from our hometown of Kings Nose, NJ. Believe me, we can get what we want from them because I’ve had sex with every female anchor there for like ten years and every dude at that station has gotten tons of weed from us. So, yeah, I got my interview. Unfortunately, too little, too late, man.”

What caused the film’s lackluster performance at the premiere? The film’s distributor, Red Propeller Enterprises, feels the real problem was that Gunblade insisted that the film have no title of any kind. “How are we supposed to promote this f**ker?” asked Dwayne Mogley, the CEO of Red Propeller Enterprises. “What do you put on the marquee? We finally had to put ‘No Title’ because we didn’t know what else to do. This turkey is Gunblade’s fault. The guy is a genuine dick and we’ll arrest him if he ever sets foot in our office again.”

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The rock documentary “It Might Get Loud” doesn’t feature Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens. Why? Because they got cut out of the film.

In a brand new interview, Gunblade and Defrens discuss their involvement with the rock documentary, originally titled “There May Be Guitars.” Front man Lars Gunblade was initially behind the project. “It was awesome that we were going to be in it,” said Gunblade. “It would would have meant some serious legitimacy for the project. The finished film only shows Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White. Well, big deal! I’m sorry, but without Vas and me, it’s an incomplete picture of great rock guitarists.”

Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold was only recently able to obtain the deleted footage from “It Might Get Loud” so that it could be shown during the latest Ass Clowns interview. “Yeah, for years they didn’t want to give it to me,” said Gold. “Then, I convinced someone connected with the production that giving us the footage was really the only way to prevent me from releasing some damming nanny-cam footage from his home featuring himself and his babysitter. He sent me the deleted footage within hours. I’m very good at this sort of thing. Blackmail isn’t just my job. It’s also my passion. I’ll probably still leak that footage because what he did to her was the most perverted sex act I’ve ever seen in my life and that’s saying something.”

“It Might Get Loud” Sucks Without Us, says Gunblade

Original Pre-Release Poster

Lars Gunblade has never seen the famous rock documentary about guitarists. “Why should I watch?” asked Gunblade. “Without us, it sucks. I mean, I basically got a beef with all three of those guys. First of all, if you ask any of them about me, they always deny that they know me. That’s just wrong.”

The remarkable deleted footage from “It Might Get Loud” shows Gunblade and Defrens working on the unreleased song, “He Could Be a Viper,” which is of key importance to Ass Clowns fans. In fact, the track has only been available as a low quality bootleg demo for several years.

The sudden appearance of “He Could Be a Viper” in the new interview surprised die-hard fans. “It was cool hearing part of that song,” said a fan who declined to reveal his name. “I think it’s their best song. I don’t know why they don’t release it.”

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Worst album ever? So says one YouTube poster…

An avowed hater of The No Talent Ass Clowns band has posted their Greatest Hits CD offer under the derogatory title of “Worst Album Ever.” The band learned of the video posting yesterday and are livid.

Singer Lars Gunblade at a recent concert.

During a press conference this morning, members of the band lashed at the YouTube contributor. “Worst album ever?” says front man Lars Gunblade. “Yeah, like anybody could know that anyway! This poster absolutely hates our band and in a way I feel sorry for him. Yet, I’d like to nut-punch him until he collapses screaming with pain in a high-pitched voice like a little girl.”

“This guy that posted our video commercial is a total dick,” says guitarist Vas Defrens. “Our greatest hits CD is totally awesome. I mean, yeah, we’ve had to drop the price to .99 cents but that’s besides the point. It’s quite a bargain and what the commercial doesn’t even mention is that the CD comes with a coupon for a free massage at Madam Stroker’s in Kings Nose, NJ. A free massage with a happy ending… how do you beat that? No pun intended.”

YouTube Poster Defends “Worst Album Ever” Post

When asked for his reaction to Gunblade’s comments, the YouTube poster responded by saying, “Look, this is the worst band in the world. I know it. You know it. Let’s stop pretending here. Did you listen to the songs in that video? It’s just childish, adolescent crap. Why is no one saying this but me? Will no one tell these assholes that they are terrible. How can you pretend they are somehow legitimate? Answer that and stay fashionable, I dare you!”

The YouTube Poster, known as “The Man,” has previously uploaded another Ass Clowns live television performance under the title “Worst Rock Band Ever,” much to the band’s disappointment. “I won’t rest until this band is forgotten,” says the Poster. “They need to be forgotten forever. If I can contribute to their downfall, that will be a very good feeling!”

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A CD of farts has been sold for 2 million dollars to an anonymous CEO of a pharmaceutical company. Rocker Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns decided on a whim to release a single copy of a CD entitled “The Magic Book of Farts” consisting exclusively of farts created and recorded by Gunblade.

“One night I was wasted and I wound up eating two cans of black beans,” said Gunblade. “Within five minutes, the farts started coming. But these weren’t your garden-variety types of farts. These were the eye-watering kind that smell like some dead animal starting to rot. I grabbed my recorder and started to capture each fart as it presented itself. I gotta admit I almost passed out because the air was gettin’ pretty horrible at that point. But somehow I kept from losing consciousness and I realized that I had like 40 minutes of farts. That’s long enough for a CD. That’s when it hit me. I should release it as a solo CD. Why not put out a CD of farts? So here it is. Some are angry sounding while others are pensive and reluctant. That’s quite an artistic range.”

CD of Farts: No Ripoff, says Gunblade

Following the band’s new policy of only releasing one CD of new recordings for a set price of two million dollars, Gunblade put the CD up for sale over the weekend and it sold within 30 minutes. According to Gunblade, there is virtually no production or editing involved. “It’s a 40-minute CD of farts. My farts. That’s it. To me, it’s every bit as artistic as some great guitar riff. And at least no one can claim that I stole these farts from old blues songs. Nobody is gonna say, ‘Hey, nice farts but I heard them originally from Blind Joe Reynolds or Big Bill Broonzy.’ Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Led Zeppelin!”

The anonymous buyer releases a statement about the CD that read: This is really awesome. I would have paid three million for it if that’s what Lars wanted.

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A new movie trailer for “The First To Die,” a new action film starring rock stars Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens got attention from Hollywood producers this week…

“The First to Die,” originally held back several times in order to delete 20 minutes of unsimlated sex scenes, is set for release on Arbor Day, 2017. After seeing the new movie trailer for “The First To Die,” several studio executives say that Lar Gunblade and Vas Defrens are natural-born D-List movie stars.

Late last night aboard the band’s tour blimp, the band expressed concerns about the release for  the movie. “The release date sucks,” says singer Lars Gunblade. “I don’t know when Arbor Day is. Seriously, what the f*ck is Arbor Day anyway? Did somebody make that up or something? It sounds fake, and I hate made up bullshit like that.”

“This must be the greatest movie ever made,” says guitarist Vas Defrens. “Lars and I are unbelievable in this thing. We burn up the screen in ‘The First To Die.’ Seriously, we’re that good. How do people get paid to act anyway? When I watched this new movie trailer, I totally got a major woody, and that was just from watching myself onscreen.”

New Movie Trailer: The Start Of A Big Screen Career For Ass Clowns?

“‘The First To Die’ really adds to our legendary status,” says Gunblade. “We conquered the music scene and now we’ve conquered Hollywood with this awesome movie.”

During a press conference, Gunblade discussed the problems of being in a band. “That’s a lot of work if you think about it. You gotta run from city to city, you play for a long time and get really tired. Acting, on the other hand, is easy. You say a few lines, then go back to your trailer for a few hours and get it on with some sexy production assistant named Tiffany. I can totally deal with that setup for years or even decades.”

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A band’s embarrassing drunk interview is the topic of conversation in the rock world. Many think that mega band The No Talent Ass Clowns just took a dump on their reputation by releasing an interview showing them completely drunk beyond belief.

“I like the interview,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “This is what Vas and I are really like. To not post this video would smack of political correctness and we don’t go in for political correctness. I mean, let’s be honest, political correctness is really just common courtesy, right? It’s the desire to not deliberately offend someone else because you realize that there’s no god-given right to spew hate speak. Here’s the point, we think we do have that god-given right. If you’ve never played rock and roll music in a band, you’re totally inferior to us and must suffer consequences. It’s why I have tased fans at concerts all the time. They totally deserve it.”

Band’s Embarrassing Drunk Interview Doesn’t Bother Manager

“I have no opinion about it,” said Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold. “This interview shows the band exactly the way fans prefer them: drunk, inarticulate and stupid. Fortunately, that describes the fans as well so it’s all good, I guess. I think that 20 or 30 years ago that an interview like this could have ended a band’s career. Now, it’s just adds to their legacy in a positive way. I suppose eventually we’ll release that video footage of them sacrificing some virgins after a concert in Cleveland back in the late 90s. It gets pretty offensive and there’s blood everywhere. Actually, the footage used to give me nightmares but I’m good with it now. Will it be released? We’ll see.”

Vas Defrens’ Janitor Controversy

Vas Defrens

The band’s embarrassing drunk interview brought up a controversy that guitarist Vas Defrens would rather not revisit. “I don’t remember anything about this interview,” said  Defrens. “I think this is all faked CGI of me and not real. I didn’t assault no janitor so that footage in there where I’m saying I did is bogus.” This incident with the janitor has been disputed by Defrens many times over the years. The janitor in question, Chico O’Brian, was left a quadriplegic after the attack and has tried unsuccessfully to sue Defrens half a dozen times. O’Brian, who now works as a greeter at CD Wasteland in Kings Nose, NJ was unavailable for comment.

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“The First To Die,” the first feature film by The No Talent Ass Clowns is due for Christmas 2016 release. The first trailer for the movie released on Friday promises something, that’s for sure.

Originally slated for a Christmas 2015 release, “The First To Die” was held back while more than 20 minutes of unsimulated sex scenes had to be removed from the film. Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens are reportedly furious at the cuts but have relented.

According to director and Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold, “Yeah, all of that stuff wound up on the editing room floor. It’s a pretty hot scene of Lars and Vas banging co-star Trixie Beaumont in every possible position. But it just goes on and on and doesn’t advance the story one bit. So it obviously had to go. Lars and Vas aren’t happy about it. They put the scenes back in and then I took them right out again.”

Trixie Beaumont, international porn star and wife of Vas Defrens, is saddened by the cuts. “It’s a really great scene. Very much up to par with scenes we normally do in my adult videos. This is just another example of a prudish industry that doesn’t want to give the public what it wants. And believe me, what the public wants in movies is tons and tons of hardcore sex.”

“Putting bands in movies first started paying off big time in the 60s,” says Gold. “The Beatles did ‘A Hard Days Night‘ and Herman’s Hermits did ‘Hold On!‘ and crap films like that. We’re upping the game. This movie grabs the Hollywood establishment by the balls and doesn’t let go.”

Gunblade and Defrens Insist Film is Incredible

Original pre-release poster

“It’s still a great film, even without the explicit sex scenes with Trixie,” says Gunblade. “This blows away any film ever done by a rock band. Vas and I are absolutely incredible from the very first scene on. Everybody thinks The Beatles were great in ‘A Hard Days Night’ but that’s nothing compared to this. Nothing. We’re going to win a bunch of Oscars with this movie. We’re already working on paying off members of the Academy to make sure it happens.”

“I liked it,” says Defrens. “Although I was wasted when I saw it so don’t go with my opinion. And as far as that explicit sex scene, well, it was good, sweaty, bodyslammin’ stuff. Why there aren’t explicit sex scenes in all feature films I don’t know. They should be in every feature film, yeah, definitely. What’s the big deal?”

“The First To Die” is a taunt cop thriller according to a press release from the band. However, a bootlegged copy of the film has been seen by a few industry insiders who insist it’s terrible beyond belief. What’s the real story? The world will find out in six months.

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What happens when a rock band sells its soul to the devil but fails to be impressed with Lucifer?

Rockers Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently revealed that they made a deal with the devil to make it as a band. Yet the meeting with Lucifer wasn’t what they thought it would be.

“I’m disappointed,” says Lars Gunblade. “Satan completely failed to make an impression on me. He wasn’t intimidating. He wasn’t scary. I did find him vaguely annoying but that’s about it. I mean, first of all, he was still bitter about being cast out of heaven. Now you’d think after all this time that he would have come to grips with that.  Yeah, think again! Vas and I had to sit there as he rehashed all of this shit from like forever ago. He was amazingly insecure. I could tell he was fishing for compliments from us but we weren’t playing along. I think that pissed him off a lot.”

“Satan and I hit it off a little more than Lars did,” says Vas Defrens. “I mean, Satan was totally into analog recording and he really likes its warmth. I’m sure that when a rock band sells its soul to the devil, there are going to be consequences. I can live with that because Lucifer is kind of cool actually.”

“The paper work was a joke,” says Gunblade. “Our attorney assures us that the wording is vague and won’t hold up in any court. Sounds good to me. I figure it’s the ultimate joke when we check out and we don’t honor the contract. When you can screw over the devil, now that’s anarchy, bitch!”

“I was a little nervous about all of this,” says Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold. “When a rock band sells its soul to the devil, that can look really bad in the press. People can easily get the wrong idea. As it is, I’m still handling fallout from those people that Lars killed when he tased them. Perhaps it would be best if you didn’t print this.”

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The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame appears uninterested in The No Talent Ass Clowns for some reason. This month’s interview with the band in Rock Wasteland sheds more light on the story…

Rock Wasteland: Are you pissed about never being nominated?

Lars Gunblade: We don’t give one-tenth of one shit about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If they want to believe all of the people who think we suck, let them. Do you realize how many death threats we get? That’s how you know we’re true rockers. When you get serious death threats, it means you’re connecting with your audience in a very visceral way. That’s important, and it’s what we try to do.”

Rock Wasteland: I’m not sure John Lennon would agree with you.

Lars Gunblade: Listen, when John hit that New York pavement with five bullets in him, he said, “I’m shot” but he was probably thinking about how well his new album was going to sell the next day, even with a bunch of tracks by Yoko on it. Sure enough, the album flew out of the stores the day after.

“I wouldn’t mind being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” says Vas Defrens

Rock Wasteland: Vas [Defrens], what do you think of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Vas Defrens: It’s not my thing… but whatever.

Rock Wasteland: Why is that?

Vas Defrens: OK, to be honest I wouldn’t mind being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But that’s only because the chicks might really like that. The end result being I could get lucky much faster.

Rock Wasteland: So, it’s really all about the chicks?

Vas Defrens: (shocked) Ah, yeah. What planet have you been living on?

Lars Gunblade: That’s a good point, Vas. I’m all wrapped up in the whole fake aspect of it all when I should be thinking about the chicks. If they like the idea of us being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, that’s useful. Potentially very useful actually.

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