Internet sensation Technoviking (Techno Viking) and world famous rock band, The No Talent Ass Clowns have something in the works.

“I saw the Techno Viking video and was blown away. That was pure art, man!” says front man Lars Gunblade. “I knew we had to work with this guy for a future No Talent Ass Clowns video.

Details are sketchy but rumors are flying that the band and the elusive Techno Viking met recently in Germany. “Techno Viking is cool!” says guitarist Vas Defrens. “He threatened to pull my nuts out through my mouth in the video if I didn’t shut up. How cool is that?”

“Techno Viking scares me,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Dude’s bad ass. He’s liable to kill the whole band if he gets pissed!”

File photo

Legendary front man of The No Talent Ass Clowns, Lars Gunblade, was arrested for urinating on the entrance of the Cleveland landmark recently. “How could these a-holes not nominate The No Talent Ass Clowns? Christ, they nominated Bon Jovi! Those guys suck!” screamed Gunblade as police took him into custody. He was later released into the custody of the Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold.

“We rock for a living. We ain’t no posers,” said Gunblade when reporters caught up with him later at a strip club. “We could write about cars and girls but we wanted to write about stuff like binge drinking and throwing up ’cause it’s cool. That’s what our classic song, ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘, is all about. No one else has the guts to do that!”

The fact that The No Talent Ass Clowns have never been nominated is the subject of  critics’ columns. Most feel they don’t deserve to be called a band, much less be nominated to the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame. “Yeah, they gave us ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘ but they deserve a prison sentence for that, not an award,” says Larry Booth, music critic for the Scranton Gazette.

No Talent Ass Clowns’ front man, Lars Gunblade, donated his first car to Planet Hollywood in Guam this week. Gunblade explained that the car, a 1975 Trans-Am, is important for two reasons. “One, I lost my virginity in that car and two, I wrote ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘ in it. In fact, the  stains on the back seat are the chunks that I blew every weekend in the 80’s.”

The legendary singer says he hopes the car will inspire others to achieve what he has. “I like to think all of that binge drinking and throwing up was worth it. I sure think so.”

Stink Bug Overlords - The New Ass Clowns CD

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns are hurriedly recording a new CD to be entitled “We Welcome Our Stink Bug Overlords”

“We wanted to be topical,” said Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade. “Those little bastards are really pissing me off. This is pretty high concept for us. We usually just write about girls and sex. This is a nice change up.”

No release date has been set. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: The band has shelved the project indefinitely. “Dumb as shit idea!” said drummer Joey Van Dundro bitterly. “We recorded one track and it sucked…  worse than usual.”

Lars at Consumption Auditorium

After hiking concert tickets to $5,000 each, No Talent Ass Clowns concert sales are in the toilet. Front man Lars Gunblade issued a threat yesterday from the band’s tour blimp: start buying tickets or the concert tour is over.

“This is bullshit,” said Gunblade. “This ain’t no charity. If you don’t want to pay for tickets, then screw it, we’re staying home. I can bang groupies when we aren’t touring just as easily as when we are. It makes no difference to me! Go see U2 instead. We don’t care!”

Meanwhile sales for their latest album, “Say Hello To My Posterior” have tanked as well. “Oh, and you better start buying the f**king CD too!” said Gunblade.

Who will win the ticket price war?

In a radical move, legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns are charging $5,000 for seats to their “Say Hello to My Posterior” tour, making their concerts by far the most expensive in rock concert history. Bands and fans are shocked. Organizations like Ticketmaster are refusing to comment.

“I decided enough was enough,” said Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade from the band’s new tour blimp. “To see U2 is like 250 bucks and people are payin’ it! If they’re stupid enough to pay that, they’re stupid enough to pay five grand! U2, you guys can step aside. You only thought you were ripping off fans! Watch how the masters do it!”

“These prices suck the big one,” said Billy Banacekarelli from Queens. “Before we were married, my wife was a hooker. To afford these f**kin’ ticket prices, I had to ask her to turn tricks again. In fact, I’m doin’ it too. So, she takes on drunk bowling teams and creepy truckers buy it from me. Disturbing? F**k yeah! But we refuse to miss a No Talent Ass Clowns tour. Life would suck if we couldn’t hear ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘ live.”

“Let me get this straight, people actually pay to see this band?” remarked Bono. The lead singer of U2 and Lars Gunblade have never gotten along since Gunblade used a Rolling Stone interview to make fun of the mullet that Bono sported in the early 80s.

Since the new price took effect last Friday, ticket sales are rumored to be down but the band appears unconcerned. “If they don’t wanna fork over the money, then f**k ‘em” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “We’ve played to empty houses before and we’re not afraid to do it again.”

“Some people say that we’re boning the fans,” said Gunblade. “I got news for you, sunshine, ask anyone who’s ever been backstage after our concerts and they’ll tell that we’ve always enjoyed boning our fans!”

No Talent Ass Clowns pregnancies are legendary… so much so that the band has released a chart showing just how many groupies each band member has impregnated over the years.

“The chart’s totally awesome,” says the band’s bass player. “In terms of knocked-up groupies, I’m way behind Lars. Guess I got some catching up to do.”

“Kind of adds up over the years doesn’t it?” remarked singer Lars Gunblade as he led a dazed groupie to one of the hot tubs aboard the band’s new tour blimp. “I hope I’m next,” added the groupie as she slipped off her clothes.

Guitarist Vas Defrens waxed philosophical about the chart. “The No Talent Ass Clowns’ music is all about doin’ it and this is just a natural consequence of that, right?”

Bassist Carnage Smith remarked, “Guess I have some catching up to do!” when he noticed that he had gotten the least number of groupies preggers.

Drummer Joey Van Dundro seems embarrassed by the chart. “I just don’t want these chicks comin’ back and asking for money. Hell, as far as I’m concerned, they were lucky to get me for free in the first place!”

A near collision with Ass Clowns blimp

A Navy blimp flying over the Gulf of Mexico to survey oil spill damage almost collided with another blimp belonging to the rock band, The No Talent Ass Clowns.

The No Talent Ass Clowns tour blimp then pulled alongside the 178-foot Navy blimp and band members challenged Coast Guard personnel aboard to a blimp race. When their offer was refused, the band hurled insults for twenty minutes before moving off.

“This is ridiculous,” said Tony Lombardi, the Coast Guard commander of the operation. “We’re doing serious work and suddenly these Ass Clowns come joyriding in on their blimp. They damn near hit us and we were highly offended by some of the pretty sick things they said. Plus, their last album sucked!”

No Talent Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade, seemed nonchalant about the incident. “Hey, we were f*cking with ‘em a little. What’s the big deal?” Band members said they were just “cruising around” after launching their tour blimp last week when they encountered the Naval blimp in the Gulf.

“Anytime they want a race, they got one!” says Gunblade.