Lars Gunblade

No Talent Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade is in hot water with fans after stating at a press conference that the band’s fans are “nothing more than developmentally challenged cretins.”

Flanked by two naked groupies, Gunblade was discussing the band’s tour when he went off on his fans. “Really, come on. They’re stupid. No offense or anything but they really are nothing more than developmentally challenged cretins. You know, the kind of people you do telethons for. But don’t take that the wrong way.”

Response was immediate and surprising. Ticket sales increased 25% and CD sales jumped 34%. However, this didn’t surprise Gunblade. “Me and my fans understand each other,” said Gunblade after the press conference. “They know I’m going to treat them like garbage and they love it. Who wouldn’t?”

If you’ve ever been to a No Talent Ass Clowns concert, you’ve probably seen or heard about “ass clowning” where drunk concertgoers break into cars in the parking lot and defecate on the driver’s seat. It is rumored to have started in 1996 at Consumption Auditorium when Nick Ray Tummo first committed the act.  “I was drunk and my friends all thought it was funny so I figured why not keeping doing it at shows? It gives me a kind of special spiritual connection to the concert.”

Tummo’s actions caught on. In fact, now it’s in the Urban Dictionary. Soon police dreaded the coming of an Ass Clowns concert, knowing inevitably there would be a rash of ass clowning incidents. “This is pretty sick,” said Police Chief John O’Hara. “Why would anyone do something like this? They should be beaten and tortured. From now on, I have ordered my police officers to shoot to kill if they spot anyone ass clowning at a rock concert.”

“Some a-hole ass clowned my car last year,” said Megan, 17, from New Jersey. “It was gross but I sold the car on eBay as a concert souvenir. Got pretty good money for it too! I hope someone ass clowns my car again!”

What does the band think? “I think it’s great!” says front man Lars Gunblade. “Ass clowning says a lot about our fans and it’s all good.”

Ass Clowns ads like this are causing a stir among fans

We knew it had to happen. After telling advertisers for years to fornicate themselves, The No Talent Ass Clowns are now hawking “El Grande Blue” a pill for erectile dysfunction and enhancement. The Chinese makers of El Grande Blue have been in court repeatedly for fraud and manslaughter charges over the years but the band stands behind the product.

“This shit works!” says front man Lars Gunblade. “I started using El Grande a few years ago when I realized I was having trouble raising to the occasion ten or twelve times a day. That’s a typical requirement for me because we have chicks everywhere, man.”

Side effects of El Grande Blue can be severe, including “sudden, violent and uncontrollable bleeding from the eyes and rectum.” Yet, the band seems unconcerned.

“A woody for 24 hours. You can’t get that any other way,” remarks drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Yeah, it hurts like shit but it’s worth it.”

Many fans are disappointed that their heroes have completely sold out. Gunblade has a message for them. “Just shut up and buy our CDs! That’s your job. My job is banging every chick in sight.”

Apparently, The No Talent Ass Clowns faked their own deaths! Several tourists reported encountering the band at a brothel in Amsterdam last week.

“It was them alright, ” said Dan F. Baxler III from Port Jervis, NY. “I was on my way out after visiting a prostitute to be spanked and there they were molesting my wife who was in the lobby to pick me up. They were total dicks. That’s how I knew it was them.”

An email received by their manager from front man Lars Gunblade confirms the story. “Yeah, we were fucking with everybody,” read Lars’ email. “We paid a couple of guys in Greenland and they agreed to let those polar bears eat them. Man, that’s rock and roll.”

And is the tour back on? “Hell, yeah. We’ ll be back on tour soon,” said Gunblade in his final sentence. “We’re not infected anymore so watch out, ladies!”

President becomes emotional about the possible loss of the band

Shocking news — The No Talent Ass Clowns tour blimp has disappeared over the frozen wastes of Greenland. In a Monday morning emergency press conference at the White House, President Obama asked the nation to remain calm.

“The No Talent Ass Clowns are a great band. Politicians from both sides of the aisle will admit that,” said a tearful Obama as he glanced at an image of the band’s tour blimp over his shoulder. “We don’t know their fate. Let’s keep speculation to a minimum. At the same time, I have a promo vinyl copy of their first album that’s about to triple in value.”

“Obama’s new-found love for The No Talent Ass Clowns is interesting,” commented Rush Limbaugh on his morning show. “He’s making the disappearance of this band a political issue. I, for one, resent that.”

The band made news last year when they launched the hydrogen-filled dirigible, calling it the first tour blimp in history. Since then, they have circled the world several times. Reporters were frequently shocked to see the band and groupies cavorting in hot tubs aboard the blimp while being interviewed.

All radio contact with the blimp ended late Sunday night. Rescuers say it could be days before they have any answers regarding the fate of the band.

UPDATE (2/8/11): Rescuers have found a burnt thong, five shattered cases of whiskey and several dime bags lodged in snow drifts. Rescue attempts are continuing.

Stay tuned for further developments…

A 2-Million Dollar Autograph of Lars Gunblade

A major auction house recently sold a signed photograph of The No Talent Ass Clowns’ Lars Gunblade for a record 10 million dollars.

Over the years, the controversial Gunblade has been notorious for not signing autographs. Many fans have been kicked in the groin when they tried. In fact, this autograph is one of only three known to exist. Gunblade’s discomfort is obvious. His inscription on the photo is simply, “You’re an asshole. Lars Gunblade.”

“It’s pretty rare to see that kind of raw contempt for fans,” says No Talent Ass Clowns Fan Club President, Lars Johnson. “He has threatened my life whenever I try to contact him for interviews for our fan magazine. Other rock stars would just say no. Yeah, he’s a pig but I respect that honesty.”

LarsAid ad (from last month's "Jugs" magazine)

No Talent Ass Clowns’ front man, Lars Gunblade, has created a charity unlike any other — it’s for himself.

“I’m on top right now,” admits Gunblade. “But things could change eventually. All the booze, expensive designer drugs and dog fighting bets might eventually drain my resources. I could wind up broke!”

Designated LarsAid, the new charity requires a minimum donation of $1,000. So far, there have been few takers.

“You guys better contribute,” warns Gunblade. “You wouldn’t want to see me wondering around West Hollywood dressed in thrift shop clothing and smelling like urine. Your stupid minds wouldn’t be able to handle it!”

Gunblade says he is trying to hammer out a deal memo with his band to play a big charity concert to benefit LarsAid. “It would be a huge event,” says Gunblade. “Who can support me better than me? Only trouble is, we cost a lot. Personally, I’m not taking the stage unless my cut is 2 million.”