The Ass Clowns perform at Consumption Auditorium on January 30

Two years ago, The No Talent Ass Clowns had their first concert where all female concertgoers were requested to be topless. Last night, the legendary bad boys of rock went all the way and demanded all female attendees be completely naked during their Consumption Auditorium show. Despite protests in front of the venue, the response from women at the show was largely positive.

“I liked it,” said Amber, 20. “Sure, I was sort of ‘gang raped’ at one point and hundreds of guys took photos of me with their cell phones but overall I’d have to say that going to this concert nude was a very positive experience.”

“Hey, we thought this whole thing through,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “For instance, we made sure the auditorium was super cold. Every guy there appreciated that little touch!”

No word on whether more female nude concerts will take place in the future.

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Infamous Ass House is no more

Legendary guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns released a statement this morning saying that he has closed his infamous Ass House restaurant in New York.

Since its opening three years ago, the Ass House has been a controversial presence in the Big Apple. When death threats steadily increased against Defrens , the restaurant relocated to Greenwich Village. Within weeks of opening the new restaurant, local residents were soon outraged by Ass House billboards showing Defrens proclaiming, “Come to my restaurant or you’re a faggot!”

“It’s a shame really,” said Defrens. “Our Fillet of Ass was famous. And everybody wanted to join the restaurant’s Back Door Club. I blame all of this on people who hate ass. The fact of the matter is that ass haters are taking away our freedoms. If we don’t stand up to this tyranny, this will be a world without ass.”

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Gunblade: “We did Lennay backstage several times.”

Just when you thought a story couldn’t get weirder. Now adding to the controversy surrounding Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and his imaginary girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, is the legendary bad boys of rock, The No Talent Ass Clowns. In a press conference this morning, the rockers claim that they all dated Lennay Kekua.

“Well, ‘dated’ is a nice way to put it,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We all shared her backstage after a number of concerts in 2012. She never mentioned this Manti Te’o guy. She was something else. She was massively hot, let me tell you. We gave it to her every which way and I can guarantee you she is every bit as real as I am! ” declared Gunblade as he fondled two groupies beside his podium.

The band went on to say that they kicked her to the curb when she revealed that she had a particularly disfiguring form of venereal disease and had infected each of them. “We’ve been down this STD road before so this wasn’t right,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “We always gave her cab fare to get home and this is how she thanks us.”

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Rock Wasteland‘s January 2013 issue is not going to be one of Lars Gunblade’s favorites. The No Talent Ass Clowns front man is the subject of the feature article and it’s not pretty.

Entitled “Lars Gunblade: Major Rocker… Or Major Dick?,” the article by Chuck Chadwell presents Gunblade as a talentless egomaniac who is guilty in the deaths of half a dozen fans as well as the Ass Clowns’ former Ass Clowns drummer Vulgar Smith. To add insult to injury, Chadwell says that Gunblade had sex with manager Jerry Gold to secure the band’s contract in 1995.

“Evidence has been buried,” writes Chadwell. “Certain that he is above the law like Bob Geldof, Gunblade operates in a fantasy world where murder is just another useful skill set.” Chadwell, a former writer for this website, had a falling out with Gunblade in 2010 and obviously penned this article as revenge.

“It’s bullshit,” said Gunblade at a press conference on Wednesday. “Yeah, some people I’ve tased at concerts have died but I didn’t kill Vulgar. And even if I did, how can anyone prove it? I’m pissed at Rock Wasteland. They’ve always carried water for us and printed fawning articles about the band. Why the change? Did someone forget to send them a check this month or something?”

Gunblade concluded his comments by mentioning manager Jerry Gold. “Look, we’re just good friends, OK?”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns announced this morning that they have hired alternate musicians to portray the band for many concert appearances in 2013. The band declined to name the four Latino musicians who will play at least 70% of the band’s concerts around the world.

“We love playing concerts,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “But we don’t need to tour to get laid these days. And let’s not forget that your Mexicans work real cheap and they’re got a bitchin’ work ethic. We’re lazy, middle-aged rockers. Who would you rather bring high-voltage rock your way?”

Reaction from fans has been universally negative. “The Ass Clowns have disappointed me for years,” says fanatical fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “This is just another insult piled upon mountains of insults.”

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Stop the presses. Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns did nothing yesterday. They didn’t play a concert, they didn’t have a recording session, they didn’t write any songs, they didn’t get drunk or high, they didn’t even hold one of their famous marathon sex parties. They did nothing.

“Yeah, it’s true,” said singer Lars Gunblade during an interview this morning with Rock Wasteland magazine. “We did nothing and it was everything we hoped it would be.”

“We just wanted our fans to know that we pretty much spent the day watching TV, mainly porn,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Me and Lars got into it eventually because he wanted to watch more girl-on-girl videos and I wanted to watch more DP stuff. Well, different strokes for different folks.”

The band says they plan to spend more days doing nothing since this first experiment with it worked out so well. “Maybe we’ll do a webcast of us watching a webcast,” remarked guitarist Vas Defrens. “That would be arty, know what I mean?”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns spacecraft in orbit over Mars this morning.

In a move that shocked NASA scientists, rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have flown a spacecraft to Mars for no other purpose than to harass the Curiosity Rover on the surface.

“We’re trying to do some low-level passes to see if we can knock it over and break it,” said front man Lars Gunblade in a communication with Earth. “We’re the kind of people who smash mailboxes with baseball bats so this is the ultimate high! In a few minutes, we’re going to moon Curiosity as we pass. Show that on the evening news, if you got the guts.”

The news that The No Talent Ass Clowns were in orbit around Mars comes as a shock since the band had said the craft was only a sub-orbital plane when they announced plans last week to launch it on October 6.

“Yeah, that was bullshit,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro, who is piloting the spacecraft. “We didn’t want those geeks at NASA interfering with us. Now they’re gonna pay. That Rover is toast.”

Band members were quick to mention that they are the first acknowledged people to have sex in space, having brought several groupies with them on the trip. “Yeah, we did the nasty,” said Gunblade. “Trust me, it sounds a whole lot better than it actually is. I think my back’s gonna be messed up for days.”

The band refused to say how they got to Mars in three days. “Yeah, that’s definitely on the DL,” said Gunblade. “Let’s just say it worked but we can be ripped apart at a molecular level any minute so there are drawbacks.”

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Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns will be the first band in history to tour in a sub-orbital plane.

The band held a standing-room-only press conference aboard their touring blimp this morning to announce the maiden voyage of their sub-orbital plane on October 6. Band members admitted they stole the design from someone else and changed it just enough to avoid being sued.

“The blimp is cool but this is much more awesome,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We’ll be able to get to any venue in the world in like 15 minutes. Even better, we’ll be able to bang groupies in zero gravity. Who hasn’t dreamed of doing that?”

Questions have arisen about how the band can afford a plane reputed to cost $30 billion dollars to build. “We’re got partners and backers,” said controversial guitarist Vas Defrens. “Let’s just leave it at that, OK?”

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