Rock legend Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns is missing, says his band manager Jerry Gold. “No one has seen him in two weeks. The escort service that he uses daily has not heard from him. No phone calls. Nothing. He’s gone,” remarked Gold sadly. “If he’s dead, my gravy train grinds to a halt. I certainly hope that Lars is not so selfish that he doesn’t think about me before doing something drastic.”

Members of his band took a characteristically casual attitude toward Gunblade’s disappearance. “Look, he’ll either turn up at my front door in a day or two or somebody will find his corpse in the lake. We just gotta wait and see,” said Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens.

“I’m very concerned,” said Gunblade’s drug dealer. “Lars has been without his drugs for nearly two weeks. Let me tell you… this puts a huge hole in my wallet. Lars’ yearly consumption of illegal drugs is equal to the GNP of some nations. This is a scary situation. Let’s all say a prayer for his safe return… and my future sales.”