“The First To Die,” the first feature film by The No Talent Ass Clowns is due for Christmas 2016 release. The first trailer for the movie released on Friday promises something, that’s for sure.
Originally slated for a Christmas 2015 release, “The First To Die” was held back while more than 20 minutes of unsimulated sex scenes had to be removed from the film. Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens are reportedly furious at the cuts but have relented.
According to director and Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold, “Yeah, all of that stuff wound up on the editing room floor. It’s a pretty hot scene of Lars and Vas banging co-star Trixie Beaumont in every possible position. But it just goes on and on and doesn’t advance the story one bit. So it obviously had to go. Lars and Vas aren’t happy about it. They put the scenes back in and then I took them right out again.”
Trixie Beaumont, international porn star and wife of Vas Defrens, is saddened by the cuts. “It’s a really great scene. Very much up to par with scenes we normally do in my adult videos. This is just another example of a prudish industry that doesn’t want to give the public what it wants. And believe me, what the public wants in movies is tons and tons of hardcore sex.”
“Putting bands in movies first started paying off big time in the 60s,” says Gold. “The Beatles did ‘A Hard Days Night‘ and Herman’s Hermits did ‘Hold On!‘ and crap films like that. We’re upping the game. This movie grabs the Hollywood establishment by the balls and doesn’t let go.”
Gunblade and Defrens Insist Film is Incredible
Original pre-release poster
“It’s still a great film, even without the explicit sex scenes with Trixie,” says Gunblade. “This blows away any film ever done by a rock band. Vas and I are absolutely incredible from the very first scene on. Everybody thinks The Beatles were great in ‘A Hard Days Night’ but that’s nothing compared to this. Nothing. We’re going to win a bunch of Oscars with this movie. We’re already working on paying off members of the Academy to make sure it happens.”
“I liked it,” says Defrens. “Although I was wasted when I saw it so don’t go with my opinion. And as far as that explicit sex scene, well, it was good, sweaty, bodyslammin’ stuff. Why there aren’t explicit sex scenes in all feature films I don’t know. They should be in every feature film, yeah, definitely. What’s the big deal?”
“The First To Die” is a taunt cop thriller according to a press release from the band. However, a bootlegged copy of the film has been seen by a few industry insiders who insist it’s terrible beyond belief. What’s the real story? The world will find out in six months.