Crazed fan Buford Picklefeather’s confession leads police to band members in “sex cave”
Bad boy rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns were discovered alive 50 feet below ground in a secret lair near Kings Nose, NJ. The S&M themed prison was built by crazed fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. The band has been missing for months, which prompted many to believe (and hope) they were dead. When all seemed hopeless, a last-minute confession by Picklefeather alerted authorities to the location of the underground prison and the band was freed earlier today.
“What they were subjected to in that prison I hesitate to tell you about,” said Police Chief Brock Landers during a press conference in the famous warehouse district of Kings Nose. “Before we picked up Mr. Picklefeather on suspicion of murder, he had them doing some really perverted stuff for his amusement in what I can only describe as a ‘sex cave.’ I mean very perverted stuff. Frankly, they probably would be preferred if Picklefeather had just killed them instead. I know that would have been my preference. Seriously, we’re talking some pretty sick sh*t here. Picklefeather took videos so I guess somebody in my department will leak them to the internet by end of day because they’re all douche bags. If you like the weird stuff, you’re in for a treat.”
The band refused to appear at the press conference but Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade issued a somber statement to the press that read: “Hey everybody. We’re still alive, much to our regret. Jesus, the stuff we did down there makes me want to throw up. They better fry that bastard Buford Picklefeather.”
Fan reaction to the news has been mixed. “I’m sad that they’re alive,” said Amber Lynn-Johnson of Kings Nose who asked not to be identified by name. “However, it sounds like Buford had them doing each other for his amusement. I can think of nothing funnier. That will show the Ass Clowns for kicking me out of one of their backstage parties because they said I was ‘uglier than a troll.’ Somebody might have hit me with an ugly stick, but at least I didn’t do the things they did to each other in that underground prison. Victory is mine.”