Infamous heavy metal band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently played a gig at The Fillmore in San Francisco to a totally empty theater. Turns out they planned it that way.

“Yeah, we bought The Fillmore like totally out,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “The reason was simple. We hate our fans. So we decided to totally avoid playing a show for them, precisely like we said we’d do recently in a video interview.”

“Having no fans at The Fillmore is a life’s dream,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “No people demanding to hear songs, nobody screaming ‘You suck’ in the front rows.  The show at The Fillmore in San Francisco was perfect because there was nobody watching, not in spite of it. We played a completely kick-ass version of ‘Pinch The Loaf‘ that rendered the studio version obsolete. If an audience had been there, the entire evening would have been like sucking on a chimpanzee’s balls. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing.”

“I hear Hendrix played at The Fillmore,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “Am I supposed to get all girly thinking about that? Yeah, I don’t think so. The Fillmore has always had douche bags on stage. Now, it’s our turn.”

When angry San Francisco fans were refused admission by armed guards, they vowed revenge. “The Ass Clowns can give me a rim job for all I care,” said Pedro O’Leary,  a worker at the Fat Angel nearby. “They’re like the most excellent band like ever, man. Why did they buy up all the tickets for their show at The Fillmore? They’re 100% dicks for doing this. First, they tell us, hey, don’t look at us. So we now avoid looking directly at them at shows. I could live with that, I guess. But WTF! This is totally unacceptable.”

“We’re losing ass-loads of money buying out concerts like this one in San Francisco,” confessed Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “I tried to tell Lars that this was financial suicide for the band but he never listens to me. Ever.”