Vas Defrens
Less than a week after the disappearance of front man Lars Gunblade, No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens has also been declared missing. No one has seen the bad boy guitarist since Monday when he was spotted leaving a 5-star brothel in Bangkok, Thailand.
“This is f–ing crazy!” shouted manager Jerry Gold during an early morning press conference in Kings Nose, NJ. “These bastards better stop disappearing. I still have payments on my yacht and if they don’t record CDs, Jerry Gold is going to get angry and they wouldn’t like Jerry Gold when he’s angry.”
We reached out to Vas Defrens’ wife, porn star Trixie Beaumont, on the set of her new movie “Ass Police 7: Between the Cheeks” and she was only able to say, “I’ll be thinking of Vas during all of my sex scenes this afternoon. I hope he’s not dead because that would be like a total bummer. He’s so awesome when he travels that Hershey highway. Better than anyone I work with on-set, that’s for sure!”
When asked to comment, the remaining two members of the band, drummer Joey Van Dundro and bassist Carnage Smith, seemed nervous. “This is f-ed up,” said Van Dundro. “If the band has been pissing someone off, believe me, it’s all Lars and Vas’ fault and you’ve already got them, am I right? Leave me and Carnage alone.”